Before everything went from normal twin complicated to disaster, I was under the care of the same midwives who supported me through my first pregnancy and delivery. They have been such a wonderful source of information and support. Despite the fact that my care has been transferred to a specialist, they pop in periodically to check on me. Yesterday was one such day.
I share this because we listened to the babies' hearts and movements. Actually we had finished listening and then my sister came in shortly thereafter and asked to hear as well. When S touched my belly and put the doppler back on me, she laughed and noticed that Baby B had moved away. As she tried to find the heartbeat again the baby kept kicking the doppler. Baby A scooted away each time she applied any pressure. My sister, S, and I all laughed. It was a fun moment in which we can feel that we know the babies a little bit better.
Thank you, S. (And K, even though she was not there today!).
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The Dilemma of Preparing for Babies with a Dismal Prognosis
When we found out I was pregnant we were thrilled (obviously), but even after we saw those heartbeats and knew we had a 95% chance of a successful pregnancy, I was cautious. My midwife reflected to me just yesterday that I had been nervous of the outcome of this pregnancy since the beginning and my response was "it was too good to be true". Despite things progressing fairly normally, with lots of ultrasound evidence that things were fine, I was nervous. As a result, I had not purchased anything for the babies. We looked at one van, but I had told Lee that we could not buy a van before mid-November - thinking about viability.
In part, I guess I was right. I am actually kind of thankful that I do not have a completed nursery to look at. I do have the room that was intended for a nursery, with bare plaster walls and a crib that my daughter no longer needs. I try not to look in it though; I might not have purchased anything for the babies, but I knew exactly how I wanted to decorate the space and how I would fit two little people into one little nursery. I am thankful that I do not have a little row of gender-neutral, kind of matching outfits hanging in the nursery-to-be closet to look at as I weep.
On the other hand, if I am only to know these babies for a few short hours outside of my womb, then they should have something, right? A name and something to keep them warm and comforted - something so they have evidence that I loved them despite barely knowing them. I have been thinking for a while that I would like to buy something, a hat or a sleeper, for each baby. So, last night I began online shopping for micro-preemie clothing (because, in all likelihood, they will be micro-preemies - which means under 3lbs, I think). I encountered two problems.
The first problem relates to sex. My closest friends know that this is an internal battle for me. I am very cautious and dubious about gendered parenting - which for me includes clothing, toys, decorations and activities I encourage in my child(ren). At the same time though, I enjoy having my daughter dressed in sweet, age appropriate, gendered clothing. (Basically, I am such a hypocrite!) Back to my babies-to-be: I do not actually know the sex of either of them. But, if I am going to dress them only once... I want it to be something that I would be happy to dress a son/daughter in. I don't want to buy two blue onesies and then have one or two girls. Silly? I guess so. But, for me it some how goes back to giving these little people identities. I do not want them to have the same article of clothing just because they're twins and I do want the article of clothing to be congruent with what I perceive/assume his/her gender will be based upon his/her sex. Ugh.. so stuck inside my own head - a battle between my academic side and my desperate mother side. Practically speaking, what this means is that each time I added something to the online shopping cart, I would feel inclined to pick four items so that all the variations of babies would be covered (two boys, two girls, one of each).
The second problem I came across had to do with hope versus doom thinking. I want to buy each baby a hat... not a big problem. But, then I was looking at clothing. There are special NICU outfits that are designed to accommodate all the wires and tubes on a baby. I found a couple of gender neutral, but fun ones, and added them to my shopping cart. But, then I tried to picture these little articles of clothing - which are essentially altered undershirts - on a dead baby. It does not work. If the baby is dying/dead, I want to dress him/her in cozy clothing to keep them warm and safe. I want them to be bundled and cuddly. So then, what I really need is four alive baby outfits and four lost baby outfits - so I can be a prepared mother, trying to protect her babes under all circumstances. Sadly.. . buying 8 preemie outfits would also probably make me a financially broke mother. So I bought nothing. I still have nothing for my sweet babies...
Facebook Status: Unprepared in so many senses... but full of love nonetheless, rest assured Little Peas
In part, I guess I was right. I am actually kind of thankful that I do not have a completed nursery to look at. I do have the room that was intended for a nursery, with bare plaster walls and a crib that my daughter no longer needs. I try not to look in it though; I might not have purchased anything for the babies, but I knew exactly how I wanted to decorate the space and how I would fit two little people into one little nursery. I am thankful that I do not have a little row of gender-neutral, kind of matching outfits hanging in the nursery-to-be closet to look at as I weep.
On the other hand, if I am only to know these babies for a few short hours outside of my womb, then they should have something, right? A name and something to keep them warm and comforted - something so they have evidence that I loved them despite barely knowing them. I have been thinking for a while that I would like to buy something, a hat or a sleeper, for each baby. So, last night I began online shopping for micro-preemie clothing (because, in all likelihood, they will be micro-preemies - which means under 3lbs, I think). I encountered two problems.
The first problem relates to sex. My closest friends know that this is an internal battle for me. I am very cautious and dubious about gendered parenting - which for me includes clothing, toys, decorations and activities I encourage in my child(ren). At the same time though, I enjoy having my daughter dressed in sweet, age appropriate, gendered clothing. (Basically, I am such a hypocrite!) Back to my babies-to-be: I do not actually know the sex of either of them. But, if I am going to dress them only once... I want it to be something that I would be happy to dress a son/daughter in. I don't want to buy two blue onesies and then have one or two girls. Silly? I guess so. But, for me it some how goes back to giving these little people identities. I do not want them to have the same article of clothing just because they're twins and I do want the article of clothing to be congruent with what I perceive/assume his/her gender will be based upon his/her sex. Ugh.. so stuck inside my own head - a battle between my academic side and my desperate mother side. Practically speaking, what this means is that each time I added something to the online shopping cart, I would feel inclined to pick four items so that all the variations of babies would be covered (two boys, two girls, one of each).
The second problem I came across had to do with hope versus doom thinking. I want to buy each baby a hat... not a big problem. But, then I was looking at clothing. There are special NICU outfits that are designed to accommodate all the wires and tubes on a baby. I found a couple of gender neutral, but fun ones, and added them to my shopping cart. But, then I tried to picture these little articles of clothing - which are essentially altered undershirts - on a dead baby. It does not work. If the baby is dying/dead, I want to dress him/her in cozy clothing to keep them warm and safe. I want them to be bundled and cuddly. So then, what I really need is four alive baby outfits and four lost baby outfits - so I can be a prepared mother, trying to protect her babes under all circumstances. Sadly.. . buying 8 preemie outfits would also probably make me a financially broke mother. So I bought nothing. I still have nothing for my sweet babies...
Facebook Status: Unprepared in so many senses... but full of love nonetheless, rest assured Little Peas
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Distraction & Time
Distraction can be so blissful. I have had several busy days - well the business is all around me while I sit on the couch and watch.
The first main distraction has come in the form of my sister, who joined me about a week ago and will stick with me for another month or two. She has been such a gift! I am definitely able to stay in bed rest position with a helper around and have also been eating way better! Not to mention, that we actually enjoy one another's company, so it's not just me, my computer and Netflix all day long (yay!). And we laugh.
Then, on Thursday, when my partner and I were getting ready to head to the hospital, we discovered our daughter had a fever. (Not being able to care for your child when she is distressed as she was is awful, in case you were wondering!). We asked my sister to care for her while we attended appointments. Later that day my sister texted me to say that she too had a fever! On Friday our daughter got antibiotics for possible strep throat and my husband also became ill. A house full of disasters: one sick child, two sick adults and one on bed rest.
Luckily, in swooped Auntie Lynn to save us all! My aunt drove in from out of town (a 4 hour drive) to cook and care for the lot of us. It was such a relief to have someone just come in and take over. I know that all of us appreciated the extra help, compassion and company - and to be fair, my sister worked through her sickness to help Auntie Lynn. EllaGrace continued to be out of sorts all weekend, but between all of the adults we managed to get her through the worst of it - sharing night shifts, etc. It takes a village, right?
I owe huge thank yous to all of the folks that have offered us support thus far. Help in the form of meals, pick-ups from daycare and dog walking simply make life a little bit easier and take a bit of the stress off - and brave face or not, we are facing a lot. My husband told me just last night the hardest part for him has been the loss of sleep - but that is another blog post in itself.
Distraction - short visits or long - give me the opportunity to think about something else. It is such a break from my usual trying to predict the future; I love when friends speak to me about work or hearing updates about family members. The days during which I have visitors pass by more quickly, which is a blessing. But, there's a trick with time. For instance, this weekend, I thought that we had been so busy for so many days and I had had lots of positive conversations (coached by Auntie Lynn) that surely it must have made a significant dent in time. But, then it was only two or three days. I am still only in my 19th week. I am still so far from viability. And, I try to break it down - my next appointment is next Thursday and it's already Tuesday, so a week and a bit away. Only two or three more appointments until viability. But, in reality, I (we) may not make it through the weekend - I could get an infection on any day. And, viability is 5 weeks away, which is a long time. And, really, 26 or 28 or 30 weeks, where our odds would really improve, are that much further.
I am trying to stick to short term goals which I find to be slightly less overwhelming: next appointment, at which time I will be 21 weeks. *deep breath* In the meantime, I will continue to rely on my lovely friends and family (and to be honest, the TV) to keep me distracted, to help those individual days go by a bit faster. A day at a time... I am okay today. For now. I am okay right now, I have this moment in time with my babies. I will be thankful for that.
Facebook Status Update: Time is a trick, it keeps me down but keeps me going
or: Thank you to everyone who has offered us support, information, feedback and love
Laleah and EG
The first main distraction has come in the form of my sister, who joined me about a week ago and will stick with me for another month or two. She has been such a gift! I am definitely able to stay in bed rest position with a helper around and have also been eating way better! Not to mention, that we actually enjoy one another's company, so it's not just me, my computer and Netflix all day long (yay!). And we laugh.
Then, on Thursday, when my partner and I were getting ready to head to the hospital, we discovered our daughter had a fever. (Not being able to care for your child when she is distressed as she was is awful, in case you were wondering!). We asked my sister to care for her while we attended appointments. Later that day my sister texted me to say that she too had a fever! On Friday our daughter got antibiotics for possible strep throat and my husband also became ill. A house full of disasters: one sick child, two sick adults and one on bed rest.
Luckily, in swooped Auntie Lynn to save us all! My aunt drove in from out of town (a 4 hour drive) to cook and care for the lot of us. It was such a relief to have someone just come in and take over. I know that all of us appreciated the extra help, compassion and company - and to be fair, my sister worked through her sickness to help Auntie Lynn. EllaGrace continued to be out of sorts all weekend, but between all of the adults we managed to get her through the worst of it - sharing night shifts, etc. It takes a village, right?
I owe huge thank yous to all of the folks that have offered us support thus far. Help in the form of meals, pick-ups from daycare and dog walking simply make life a little bit easier and take a bit of the stress off - and brave face or not, we are facing a lot. My husband told me just last night the hardest part for him has been the loss of sleep - but that is another blog post in itself.
Distraction - short visits or long - give me the opportunity to think about something else. It is such a break from my usual trying to predict the future; I love when friends speak to me about work or hearing updates about family members. The days during which I have visitors pass by more quickly, which is a blessing. But, there's a trick with time. For instance, this weekend, I thought that we had been so busy for so many days and I had had lots of positive conversations (coached by Auntie Lynn) that surely it must have made a significant dent in time. But, then it was only two or three days. I am still only in my 19th week. I am still so far from viability. And, I try to break it down - my next appointment is next Thursday and it's already Tuesday, so a week and a bit away. Only two or three more appointments until viability. But, in reality, I (we) may not make it through the weekend - I could get an infection on any day. And, viability is 5 weeks away, which is a long time. And, really, 26 or 28 or 30 weeks, where our odds would really improve, are that much further.
I am trying to stick to short term goals which I find to be slightly less overwhelming: next appointment, at which time I will be 21 weeks. *deep breath* In the meantime, I will continue to rely on my lovely friends and family (and to be honest, the TV) to keep me distracted, to help those individual days go by a bit faster. A day at a time... I am okay today. For now. I am okay right now, I have this moment in time with my babies. I will be thankful for that.
Facebook Status Update: Time is a trick, it keeps me down but keeps me going
or: Thank you to everyone who has offered us support, information, feedback and love
Friday, September 13, 2013
pPROM Update II
Well, we had our meeting with the new doctor. And, thank goodness, it went so much better. *huge sigh of relief*
I think it went more smoothly in part because we are in a different place. We know more about what's happening and what we want out of a medical team. Also, I was in a place where I could communicate that clearly, with a fresh start. On the other hand, the doctors also responded differently to our concerns and knowledge. The specialist has even dealt with pPROM twins before - yay for knowledge!
Here is a quick summary of how things went:
The Ultrasound:
Showed that Baby B is doing great. They did not tell us the sex, but from what the Tech. said, my bets are on a little boy. (We did not want to know just one, and Baby A is too hard to see to determine sex).
Baby A:
- Had 1.1cm of fluid - having measurable fluid is a definitely a step up from previous ultrasounds, although it's very little fluid in the grand scheme of things. The doctor acknowledged that this is crucial time for lung development but that doctors simply do not know how much a baby needs to survive.
- Had a strong, positive flow through the umbilical cord
- Two measurable choroid plexus cysts (cysts on brain). Generally, these can be harmless and may disappear. However, they are considered to be soft markers for chromosome abnormalities.
- The membrane appears to be stuck to one arm. This may be indicative of the membrane wrapping around part of the baby's arm, which may cause amputation.
--> The MFM Specialist and the Fellow both hypothesized that the information gained about Baby A may amount to the baby being an unhealthy baby. They suggested that perhaps Mother Nature knows something that we do not, leading to the rupture and possible demise of the baby. They also indicated that because there is a lack of fluid, they cannot do further investigation to determine if there are other markers of chromosome abnormalities (Down's syndrome or Trisomy 18). They noted that because the baby continues to grow and have a healthy heartbeat, that there is also the possibility that the baby will be fine.
The Doctors
Our appointment took place 2 hours late (long day). First the fellow came in and after a quick history, asked us why we were seeking a second opinion. I proceeded to explain/rant/cry that we had not been respected, our questions had been unanswered, our doctor lacked experience or the ability to support us in expectant management. The most amazing part was that while I kept ranting, I could see that he wanted to say something but actually stopped himself because he understood that I needed to feel heard. The fellow explained that he has a lot of OB experience and that he prefers to err on the side of hope - words that brought tears to my eyes. He highlighted that as much as we cannot predict the future, we have already beat the odds so why not continue to focus on that.
The MFM Specialist arrived a while later and immediately apologized for the long wait. She sat down and said that she had been told what we had discussed but that she wanted to hear it from me, as we had a lot to talk about. Then she put her things down and got comfortable. She also highlighted hope, her own experience with other women beating the odds. She indicated that she can and has performed delayed interval delivery using cerclage - something our last doctor said would be experimental and that she would not perform.
So, both doctors said that they are comfortable having some hope, but did not sugar-coat that the stats are grim and we have long way to go. Finally, honest and balanced thinking from a medical professional. She gave us a little bit of hope, but more than anything, she respected us and we left feeling empowered.
Facebook: Continuing Cautiously...
I think it went more smoothly in part because we are in a different place. We know more about what's happening and what we want out of a medical team. Also, I was in a place where I could communicate that clearly, with a fresh start. On the other hand, the doctors also responded differently to our concerns and knowledge. The specialist has even dealt with pPROM twins before - yay for knowledge!
Here is a quick summary of how things went:
The Ultrasound:
Showed that Baby B is doing great. They did not tell us the sex, but from what the Tech. said, my bets are on a little boy. (We did not want to know just one, and Baby A is too hard to see to determine sex).
Baby A:
- Had 1.1cm of fluid - having measurable fluid is a definitely a step up from previous ultrasounds, although it's very little fluid in the grand scheme of things. The doctor acknowledged that this is crucial time for lung development but that doctors simply do not know how much a baby needs to survive.
- Had a strong, positive flow through the umbilical cord
- Two measurable choroid plexus cysts (cysts on brain). Generally, these can be harmless and may disappear. However, they are considered to be soft markers for chromosome abnormalities.
- The membrane appears to be stuck to one arm. This may be indicative of the membrane wrapping around part of the baby's arm, which may cause amputation.
--> The MFM Specialist and the Fellow both hypothesized that the information gained about Baby A may amount to the baby being an unhealthy baby. They suggested that perhaps Mother Nature knows something that we do not, leading to the rupture and possible demise of the baby. They also indicated that because there is a lack of fluid, they cannot do further investigation to determine if there are other markers of chromosome abnormalities (Down's syndrome or Trisomy 18). They noted that because the baby continues to grow and have a healthy heartbeat, that there is also the possibility that the baby will be fine.
The Doctors
Our appointment took place 2 hours late (long day). First the fellow came in and after a quick history, asked us why we were seeking a second opinion. I proceeded to explain/rant/cry that we had not been respected, our questions had been unanswered, our doctor lacked experience or the ability to support us in expectant management. The most amazing part was that while I kept ranting, I could see that he wanted to say something but actually stopped himself because he understood that I needed to feel heard. The fellow explained that he has a lot of OB experience and that he prefers to err on the side of hope - words that brought tears to my eyes. He highlighted that as much as we cannot predict the future, we have already beat the odds so why not continue to focus on that.
The MFM Specialist arrived a while later and immediately apologized for the long wait. She sat down and said that she had been told what we had discussed but that she wanted to hear it from me, as we had a lot to talk about. Then she put her things down and got comfortable. She also highlighted hope, her own experience with other women beating the odds. She indicated that she can and has performed delayed interval delivery using cerclage - something our last doctor said would be experimental and that she would not perform.
So, both doctors said that they are comfortable having some hope, but did not sugar-coat that the stats are grim and we have long way to go. Finally, honest and balanced thinking from a medical professional. She gave us a little bit of hope, but more than anything, she respected us and we left feeling empowered.
Facebook: Continuing Cautiously...
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Preparing for Dead Babies
A morbid post, but I'm "keepin' it real". Truth be told, I have no idea what I will want or how I will react to losing my babies (if). But these are some of the things that have gone through my mind - thoughts I never thought I would have, thoughts I hate to have, that bring me back to the brutal reality of pPROM and the incredible fear I have.
~ Seeing Them ~
This is not a decision for some people but I pPROMed at 15 weeks, so it was for me. Originally my partner and I both considered distance as a coping mechanism. To be early in my second trimester, we would not know the sex, we would not need to see the fetuses after a miscarriage and we could try our best to move on from that. While he has maintained his distance techniques, I have not.
The closer I get to 20 weeks the more I rethink things. I decided that if the babies looked like babies and certainly if they were alive at birth, that I would hold them. Even typing that - to hold my tiny, premature children and have them die in my arms - how on Earth will I survive that? It is such an awful reality. On the other hand, I certainly could not turn my back on them in their only moments of life or abandon them in death. So, if they are there, so am I.
Kind of strangely, there seemed to be a grey zone, which I am slowly getting past. In this zone - 17/18 maybe 19 weeks - I was unsure if I wanted to see them. They might look like babies, but I do not know if they would have any life. I used to have so many thoughts on this zone, but as I am slowly creeping past it, it seems less relevant.
~ Naming Them ~
Again, something I have never put much thought into, but the names we had shortlisted were for the babies who we imagined live and well and in our home. A name I would use to call a daughter for dinner, or my son's name while we played peek-a-boo. Do I want to use those same names for doomed babies? Some of the names are to honour family and friends - do you name a dead baby after a living relative? Or, should we come up with names that signify the short journey that they had? A name I don't have to hear often, so maybe my heart aches less frequently?
~ Afterwards ~
Depending on the age of gestation, the babies can be disposed of as bio-hazardous waste. I don't think that I can do that, so I suppose I will have them cremated. I will soon begin the planning process of identifying funeral homes that can collect their small bodies to have them cremated. But what to do with them after that? Do you have a funeral or a celebration of life, for two little lives that were never lived? Do you have a small ceremony alone? Do you involve others? Who is grieving? Some friends have told me to do whatever I need, but I will always think of others, as I have had so much family and friends' support who have shared in our tears. (And at that, if the babies have 1 or 2 hours of life, do I want to share those moments with others who love them?)
I have so many ideas of what might be possible - a marker for the babies in the family plot, but it is too far away; placing the ashes with my father's, but the ocean is too big for small babies... I guess I will just make the decisions in grief.
Facebook status of the day: Sometimes I cry so hard, I can hear and feel nothing else
A Quote: If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
~ Seeing Them ~
This is not a decision for some people but I pPROMed at 15 weeks, so it was for me. Originally my partner and I both considered distance as a coping mechanism. To be early in my second trimester, we would not know the sex, we would not need to see the fetuses after a miscarriage and we could try our best to move on from that. While he has maintained his distance techniques, I have not.
The closer I get to 20 weeks the more I rethink things. I decided that if the babies looked like babies and certainly if they were alive at birth, that I would hold them. Even typing that - to hold my tiny, premature children and have them die in my arms - how on Earth will I survive that? It is such an awful reality. On the other hand, I certainly could not turn my back on them in their only moments of life or abandon them in death. So, if they are there, so am I.
Kind of strangely, there seemed to be a grey zone, which I am slowly getting past. In this zone - 17/18 maybe 19 weeks - I was unsure if I wanted to see them. They might look like babies, but I do not know if they would have any life. I used to have so many thoughts on this zone, but as I am slowly creeping past it, it seems less relevant.
~ Naming Them ~
Again, something I have never put much thought into, but the names we had shortlisted were for the babies who we imagined live and well and in our home. A name I would use to call a daughter for dinner, or my son's name while we played peek-a-boo. Do I want to use those same names for doomed babies? Some of the names are to honour family and friends - do you name a dead baby after a living relative? Or, should we come up with names that signify the short journey that they had? A name I don't have to hear often, so maybe my heart aches less frequently?
~ Afterwards ~
Depending on the age of gestation, the babies can be disposed of as bio-hazardous waste. I don't think that I can do that, so I suppose I will have them cremated. I will soon begin the planning process of identifying funeral homes that can collect their small bodies to have them cremated. But what to do with them after that? Do you have a funeral or a celebration of life, for two little lives that were never lived? Do you have a small ceremony alone? Do you involve others? Who is grieving? Some friends have told me to do whatever I need, but I will always think of others, as I have had so much family and friends' support who have shared in our tears. (And at that, if the babies have 1 or 2 hours of life, do I want to share those moments with others who love them?)
I have so many ideas of what might be possible - a marker for the babies in the family plot, but it is too far away; placing the ashes with my father's, but the ocean is too big for small babies... I guess I will just make the decisions in grief.
Facebook status of the day: Sometimes I cry so hard, I can hear and feel nothing else
A Quote: If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Knowing My Babies in Utero (as perhaps the only way of knowing them)
In my last pregnancy, and certainly at the start of this one, I always refused to know the sex of the baby/babies. With EllaGrace I loved the surprise and it fun was spreading the news. However, this pregnancy is not like all pregnancies. I may never meet these babies. So, I have been asking myself (and my partner) if I want to know the sexes now.
If I only have this time with my babies, do I want to know them more? And, does knowing the sex of the baby even facilitate that? In my terror and grief stricken mind, today, it seems that I would being starting to know them. I could refer to feeling my son or daughter move. I could maybe find itsy-bitsy, tragic hats or receiving blankets for each of them. Perhaps, by knowing their sexes, I could start to create a narrative about each of them. I would be able to prepare for losing my son(s) or daughter(s). I could start picking names - and considering if these would change depending on the outcome. Maybe I have already had enough surprises in this pregnancy...
On the other hand, it is entirely possible that the sex of Baby A will be unclear. When amniotic fluid is not present, the baby is squished and looks like a little vacuum packed baboo. The ultrasound depends on fluid as a means for visualization, so it is difficult to see details. Would I want to know one baby's sex and not the other's? I don't know about that... then I might know one more than I know the other... I already feel Baby B more than Baby A. Poor little Baby A could be overlooked.
Facebook status of the day: I just want to know my children
Also: 'Life is not fair' is an understatement!
If I only have this time with my babies, do I want to know them more? And, does knowing the sex of the baby even facilitate that? In my terror and grief stricken mind, today, it seems that I would being starting to know them. I could refer to feeling my son or daughter move. I could maybe find itsy-bitsy, tragic hats or receiving blankets for each of them. Perhaps, by knowing their sexes, I could start to create a narrative about each of them. I would be able to prepare for losing my son(s) or daughter(s). I could start picking names - and considering if these would change depending on the outcome. Maybe I have already had enough surprises in this pregnancy...
On the other hand, it is entirely possible that the sex of Baby A will be unclear. When amniotic fluid is not present, the baby is squished and looks like a little vacuum packed baboo. The ultrasound depends on fluid as a means for visualization, so it is difficult to see details. Would I want to know one baby's sex and not the other's? I don't know about that... then I might know one more than I know the other... I already feel Baby B more than Baby A. Poor little Baby A could be overlooked.
Facebook status of the day: I just want to know my children
Also: 'Life is not fair' is an understatement!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
pPROM Symptom Update
Just in the spirit of keeping a record of progress, I thought I would write this.
Today I am 18w5d pregnant. I will have my next doctor's appointment on Thursday, when I am exactly 19 weeks pregnant - 4 weeks post pPROM. I will be seeing a new doctor who I am hoping has more experience in the area, and maybe even willing to be somewhat hopeful, or at the very least supportive of my "ill-informed decision" to continue my pregnancy.
I have noticed for the first time that I am at times retaining fluid for Baby A. Basically, I noticed that I was not leaking for a couple of evenings, whereas normally I lose it all as the baby produces it. Then, after two days, I had a much more significant gush. I noticed that during those two days I felt a lot more of the fluttering type movements in my lower abdomen, which leads me to believe that little Baby A might have had enough space to move around for a moment or two. I do not know if this is attributable to bed rest or the current positioning of baby, but episodes like that are so needed if this baby is ever going to have a chance.
Baby B is a mover and a shaker. I've noticed that this Baby does bigger movements, during which I can really feel hard lumps - maybe a bum or a back pressing against the outer wall of the uterus? The placentas are on the outer wall, so the doctors have previously noted that this would impede sensation of lighter movements.
I am currently taking Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Acidophilus, pre-natal vitamins and drinking as much water as I can. I stay in a sitting or semi-reclined position for most of the day and am starting to incorporate some stretches into my daily routine in hopes of relieving some discomfort.
I think that's it. No infection (yet), no labour symptoms (yet). One more day with my babies is almost over.
Fingers crossed.
Today I am 18w5d pregnant. I will have my next doctor's appointment on Thursday, when I am exactly 19 weeks pregnant - 4 weeks post pPROM. I will be seeing a new doctor who I am hoping has more experience in the area, and maybe even willing to be somewhat hopeful, or at the very least supportive of my "ill-informed decision" to continue my pregnancy.
I have noticed for the first time that I am at times retaining fluid for Baby A. Basically, I noticed that I was not leaking for a couple of evenings, whereas normally I lose it all as the baby produces it. Then, after two days, I had a much more significant gush. I noticed that during those two days I felt a lot more of the fluttering type movements in my lower abdomen, which leads me to believe that little Baby A might have had enough space to move around for a moment or two. I do not know if this is attributable to bed rest or the current positioning of baby, but episodes like that are so needed if this baby is ever going to have a chance.
Baby B is a mover and a shaker. I've noticed that this Baby does bigger movements, during which I can really feel hard lumps - maybe a bum or a back pressing against the outer wall of the uterus? The placentas are on the outer wall, so the doctors have previously noted that this would impede sensation of lighter movements.
I am currently taking Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Acidophilus, pre-natal vitamins and drinking as much water as I can. I stay in a sitting or semi-reclined position for most of the day and am starting to incorporate some stretches into my daily routine in hopes of relieving some discomfort.
I think that's it. No infection (yet), no labour symptoms (yet). One more day with my babies is almost over.
Fingers crossed.
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