Remember when?

Most people I know like to speak about the past, reminisce, build nostalgia. Every now and then I do the same as it relates to Patrick and Maggie. Remember when things were good? Less awful? I can be sent down memory lane at seemingly nothing, or more in-your-face reminders. For example, we drove past an RV sales location and I found our old shopping list that we started when we learned we were having twins. 

In the summer we camped with my family and then on our own for about a week. Our tent, which is marketed to sleep about 8 people, barely fits the three of us. To be fair, we sleep on a large, queen sized inflatable mattress... but still, we were squished. We went for a walk one day and started to talk, "how will we camp next summer, with three young children?" EllaGrace would be just three and the twins, about 7 months. Lee's answer, as a terrified Dad-of-twins-to-be, said we would no longer camp, or leave the house. We laughed, I reminded him that he would adjust. We agreed that in the long run we would want a tent trailer, something to fit everyone comfortably for sleep and a safe place to hide when it's raining. Not really roughing it, but hey, with three young little people in our family, we were okay with it! 

The day we found out we were having twins, I was thrilled. Ecstatic. I have wanted twins forever. Just ask my cousin - we named our children when we were about 11 years old (my list included boy/girl twins). When I told Lee, he was immediately terrified and I slowly followed. We talked about sleepless nights, strollers, carseats, vehicles, leaving the house, parental leave, daycare for EllaGrace... with twins it was all so much more complicated. My biggest concerns were how to get the second baby to the breast and latched without dropping the first and how I would meet the needs of all three of my children in the way that I felt I had been able to with EllaGrace up to that point. On top of that, we no longer fit into either of our vehicles. And we needed a vehicle wherein it would be easy to manage all three children on my own. We made a list - it was not long, but it was certainly expensive. We even went to look at one van. I maintained that I did not want to be a van-driving parent, but it was so practical given the challenges I was anticipating. If only I knew that I would no longer need a van at 25 weeks, I never would have complained. I wish I needed a van. 

In fact, I wish I was still complaining about the daily appearance of new stretch marks, water retention, possibility of medical interventions in birth,... all those things that I was negative about. 

I think to myself often, "Remember when we were excited?" I had no idea that my pregnancy could go so wrong. I did not even know that one could have ruptured membranes early in a pregnancy. I never prepared myself to be a statistical outlier, having ruptured membranes and no surviving children after such a strong start to the pregnancy. I never, never thought that I would have this level of life experience before I turned 30.