Initially I was planning a necklace that had three rings which all connected. Each ring to be made of a different material, symbolizing each of them and myself. Different, but forever connected. I began to worry that I would feel stuck because one day I did not want to wear that necklace with a particular outfit (sentimentality versus fashion - oh my!). I decided that a ring would be more suitable: something that went with my wedding and engagement rings. A memory, and promise to love and remember, to sit with those of my wedding vows. They do not come off. They are not a fashion statement. No dilemma; I will always have my reminder of them with me.
Interestingly, as I Christmas shopped and thought about various options, I began to think that perhaps a ring and a necklace would be a good idea. Then a bracelet sounded smart. Luckily for my bank account, my Aunt suggested that I might be nearing the line of excessive. I simply wanted to mark their lives and my love for them. How can I express my love to them when they are not hear? I cannot shower them with kisses and snuggles as I do EllaGrace... but I can find ways to carry their symbol with me every day. There is an intense sense of powerlessness that I cannot change what happened to my children, my family and me. Acting felt stronger than not.
My home is now littered with photos of each of them; they are a part of my family and home. And I did buy a ring. I found a platinum ring to match my other rings. In my mind, this connects the story to my family and marriage. The ring has three separate, small diamonds: one for each of them and myself. They are set in a ring, a circle is infinite, as is their memory. We are forever connected and yet each separated. The ring is designed to be beside an engagement ring and so has a curve in it, to surround a larger diamond. I look at this as an imperfection in the circle, a testament to real life. There are bumps in the road: Trials, devastation, loss, but it keeps going despite it all. I know this now, more than ever. Other than the ring I have not purchased anything else, and the desire to do so is waning somewhat.
I noticed when I was thinking of all the items I might use to mark the lives and losses of Patrick and Maggie, that I developed the ability to make anything meaningful. The hospital bracelets, my PICC line, circles, ring designs, numbers, shapes.... I came across several pieces of snowflake jewellery in my shopping and they became a symbol of Patrick and Maggie. I now have a snowflake charm on a necklace Lee gave me. Why the snow flake? Well, they are each unique. They can land in our life and stay for their whole season, but just as easily they can land and melt in the palm of your hand as you admire the intricacies and beauty of their design. Patrick and Maggie were each unique little snowflakes that melted far too quickly. I barely got to see their shape.
I have moved away from meaning-making in the last couple of weeks. But for Christmas I did have ornaments made for each of them. The ornaments are made of wood local to the artist. The trouble is that no matter what I buy, no matter how I mark their lives and deaths, the story never changes. I remain powerless. But, if they can see or hear me, they know that I am doing anything and everything I can to show my love, in include them in our family...
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