It does not feel good, looking forward. That pull in my chest happens. I remind myself that I do not intend to, and in fact cannot, replace Maggie and Patrick. They are, and will always me my children. But, I still want more. I want to have this house filled with the foot steps and laughter - and even occasional tantrum or slamming door - of children. My children.
It is scary to look forward and sometimes hope is hard to find. We are essentially unable to conceive a child naturally. I have been pregnant twice in my life: once through Intra-uterine insemination (IUI) and once through in vitro fertilization (IVF). I was pregnant with EllaGrace after only one round of IUI, but we tried four rounds of IUI before progressing to IVF which brought us Maggie and Patrick.
Facts in my mind relating to fertility and family planning include: our fertility requirements have become more complicated over time, fertility decreases as age increases, I have approximately a 30% chance of pPROM reoccurring, our embryos did not fare well in vitro, which meant that we could not freeze any. For all the optimists out there, I will acknowledge that I have been able to get pregnant (but for the record, staying pregnant is key).
Our solution is two pronged:
1) I will attempt to carry a pregnancy one more time. If I pPROM, I will do it all over again and hope that something is different.
2) We will not count on this. Surrogacy is our next best option and needs to happen simultaneously.
IVF is expensive and, more than anything, it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I may get pregnant. And if I do, I certainly might pPROM again. So, I cannot count on that. I cannot put all my eggs in that basket, so to speak, no pun intended. It seems like too much of a gamble to plan to go through all of IVF again and have me as the only person to carry those embryos. Especially since a full round of IVF may only provide one opportunity to attempt pregnancy because the embryos are not of high enough quality to be frozen and stored.
We want to find a surrogate who would be willing to undergo an embryo transfer on the same day as myself. This serves several ends:
If we both become pregnant, if there is a complication, there is still hope being carried in the other person. I truly believe that this could save my sanity. The anxiety of being pregnant on my own, trying to grow our family, knowing what the worst possible outcome could be, would be barely tolerable. I need hope. Or at the very least, to know we tried our best.
If we both become pregnant and give birth to living babies, then I will be able to breastfeed my child born by another woman. This is possible without having been pregnant, however, women are often unable to produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed.
If we both become pregnant and give birth to living babies, than I have not lost as much time in 'fertility years'. My family is growing fast because there is more than one baby being added.
This also means that if IVF only provides us with embryos that have a chance during a 'fresh' cycle, that we have optimized our chances, rather than seeing how I do and hoping for frozen embryos if I rupture again. In truth, this is all about optimizing changes, optimizing hope - if I can do that, then maybe moving forward will not be so painful.
BUT, who and how and what are the chances of finding a surrogate? Sometimes I imagine that a generous, altruistic, lovely person that we know will come out of the woodwork and offer to help us in growing our family. It would be such an amazing thing to do for someone else. And truly, anyone who even considers it deserves some kind of prize for greatness. This gives me hope. Let's me look forward and still see the future we have always planned.
My hope stumbles and I sometimes lose it altogether when I reach this step of the equation. There are agencies that can help us to connect with a stranger, but that would change our pregnancy budget from $10,000 to $50,000 or $60,000. (For the record, in Canada it is illegal to pay a person to be a surrogate, but you can refund receiptable costs, which add up quickly, evidently).
Some days are better than others, as I hope that our luck will change and we will figure this out. That one day my blog-writing will be positive again.... but then, I give myself a negatively-toned, reality check because - what are the chances?
Yeah, I'm right there with you. We are probably not going to go through with another pregnancy due to my two previous pPROMs and heart defect. It's just too much risk, both for myself and for the baby. I'm starting to think about ways to AVOID pregnancy rather than make it happen, which is sad and heartbreaking when all I would really like is ONE MORE.
ReplyDeleteWe've thought of surrogacy and adoption...but both are expensive and involve medical and/or legal processes which are time consuming and ultimately may also lead to disappointment and further heart ache. I too wish some lovely woman would just pop out of the woodwork and decide she'd love to carry my child for me, but so far, I don't see it happening any time soon.
I wish you the best, and if you do decide to go the surrogate route I would love to hear more about the process.
Thinking of you!
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