Shoulda', Woulda', Coulda'

I have already given an account of some of my experience in Mexico, but I want to write about the thoughts that consumed me so much while we were there. 

We had run away for my due date. And, perhaps naively so, I did not think that my due date would have been that difficult. Twins are born, on average, around 35 weeks gestation. And what are the chances they would be born on their due date in particular anyways? So, it is an arbitrary date... meaningless. And yet, its existence practically killed me. 

Here are the basics, the core of my thoughts - my shoulda', woulda', coulda's:

Maggie and Patrick should have been born, just today, or yesterday. They should have been, healthy babies. They should have been in my arms, nursing. I should be sore, complaining and exhausted. I should be perfecting the art of nursing two babies while not neglecting my first-born. We should not be here. 

Maggie and Patrick would have been 15 weeks old. Our NICU stay would have been winding down. We would have been sad to have had such a difficult start to life for them, but thankful and joyful that they were both still with us. We would have been enjoying every moment of cuddles and parenting, finally able to do it ourselves without tubes and nurses.

At the very least, Patrick could have been home. Is it too much to ask that we not be struck with so much bad luck that Maggie died due to pPROM and Patrick from brain bleeds? Things COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. 

But they are not. So, I counted down the days to my due date. I should'a, woulda', coulda'ed my days away in Mexico. I saw other women vacationing with toddlers while they were pregnant, I saw twins, I saw infants, I saw families.... I saw baby clothes and tired parents. And every moment gave me a reason to remember Maggie and Patrick and wish that something had been different. 

I cannot believe it. I still cannot fathom that it is me and my life that has lost these two little people. Two children that I fought so damn hard to have, nothing came easy to get pregnant. Pregnancy was not easy, even before the pPROM. How is this my story...? How have my tears, bargaining and wishing not changed that? 

Now I look forward: they would have been 18 weeks.. or, they should have been a couple weeks old.... they should have been learning to sit, or walk, or crawl.. going to college. I will probably always have the shoulds and woulds and coulds I guess...