Overwhelmed?

The welcome distraction of Thanksgiving is over: back to the ol' grind. It was so nice to be surrounded by family, laughter and storytelling that did not relate to my pregnancy. By the end of the weekend I was exhausted, though who knows why since my routine of sleep-shower-couch did not change much! 

Now we are a couple of days from Viability Day. As recently as last week I thought that I would have some level of release once having reached V-day. But, now I am doubtful. As I have written before, that finish line just keeps moving. Yes, viability is better than having doctors say they can do nothing. On the other hand, when I look at others' stories of pPROM it seems that 26 weeks is proper viability and really, 28 and 30 weeks are where you start to have some proper luck. That's one month plus. The road never seems to end. 

In the mean time, we are in the ethical dilemma/Sophie's choice boat. If I went into labour the professionals would recommend delivering Baby A vaginally in order to provide a chance for Baby B to stay in utero for as long as possible. But, if we wanted to give Baby A a chance at life, we would need to request a c-section. I am confident that as the pregnancy progresses, the more likely I would be to make the decision to have the c-section. But, until we get to a point where the chance of survival is pretty high, how does one make that decision? After all this time on the couch, begging the universe and having others do the same, how do I give up on Baby A? How do I choose A over B? But, how can I risk having to bury two children? It is such a crazy thought process and decision to make. I loath the moments it crosses my mind. 

Alas, I cannot spend all of my time dwelling on ethical dilemmas and the like. I am now in the throws of yet another difficult, heartbreaking change. We made the decision that I should relocate to Ottawa so that I am closer to a hospital. I have only two more sleeps at home. Then I leave behind my young daughter and husband - the people that keep me going at the end of the day - in an effort to make the best decision that we can for the babies inside me. It brings tears to my eyes to think of not seeing my daughter regularly. I have been away from her for about 5 days before but this is indefinite. In fact, the longer I am away, the better it is for the babies. I will miss out on her funny stories and faces, seeing how she changes and grows in the span of one night, her snuggles and kisses,.... it does not even sound bearable. And my husband... I have lived separately from him before but certainly not under these conditions. It is my late-night conversations with him that have helped me cope with so much of this pregnancy, and helped me to fall asleep at night. What will I do without that?  

Facebook status: I may cry less frequently, but it is not any easier.