Questioning Strength

Since beginning this blog friends, family, Facebook friends and acquaintances have praised the strength that I have had or demonstrated through this experience. I have challenged this once or twice with close friends and have otherwise expressed thanks. But last night, while I was not sleeping, I started wondering: what is strength? What is it that others are seeing in me that is identified as such? And really, why is strength important?

In one such discussion it was suggested that the mere fact that I have continued through with this, despite the odds against us, is a demonstration of strength. But I look back at the first days after Baby A ruptured - during which I was a complete basket case - and thinking about terminating the pregnancy. And in some sense, I guess I decided that I was not strong enough to make such a decisive decision. To open myself up to all that second guessing and uncertainty. Could I not argue that I have put my personal and family's well-being at risk because I was not strong enough to make that decision? Having said that, I do not doubt the decision to wait for mother-nature.

Looking outside the actual decision-making process, what is strength? I consider myself... surviving (not thriving!). I go day by day. My blog posts are largely filled with negativity, but more than anything, complete fear. Where is the strength in that?

I looked at some definitions of strength (physically strong) and emotional strength online. The Free Dictionary defines it as "emotional stability and resiliency, characterized by assertiveness, caring, coping, and stress-management skills" (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/emotional+strength). Maybe I have demonstrated this by researching pPROM, changing doctors, getting out of bed everyday despite the nightmare I am living,...? Maybe I am selling myself short, but that does not sound that strong. 

I have read on other women's experiences of a sense of failure: a failure to have carried a child to full term, a failure to be fertile, etc. I have never considered myself as a person who holds this level of ownership. I generally have accepted that bad things happen to all of us and that I can only to my best to face or overcome those obstacles. I did not do anything to cause my infertility. Nor did I cause this rupture. BUT, then I look at my refusal to consider myself as demonstrating strength and it begs the question: do I believe that I deserve praise? Maybe not, if I have self-blame. Or does the language of being strong for the babies and fighting for them inherently entail ownership that I simply do not want to have? I beg the universe to keep me pregnant, not myself. So, do I blame myself for what is going on and count on myself to prolong my pregnancy or do I just view this as a nightmare that me and my family have been thrown into and I am just along for the ride? Am I powerless? Where am I in all this?

I do not have the answers to these questions. Something new to ponder...

Facebook status of the day: I am only sure of two things: complete fear and love