I consider myself to be somewhat academic. Through my undergraduate and graduate degrees I enjoyed examining language: sexist, misogynistic, violent, ambiguous, labelling, accurate...
For example, given that my profession is in social work, I discourage the use of the "I feel" as a colloquial, and slightly passive way of describing a desire or preference. "I feel like a hamburger." or "I feel like you do not like x". These are not emotions, they are opinions. I was guilty of this for a long time, but now tend to use "I would like" or "it seems to me" in place of "I feel like". I digress...
My slight over-analysis/totally reasonable fixation on language has added to some of my difficulty with pPROM and blogging. I want these children. Saying that does not do justice to the truth and sentiment therein. I pray to have these children. I beg the universe for these children. I hope, I wish,... none of these words sufficiently describes the desperation, love and fear that I feel when I think about the end of this journey.
Every night I lie in my bed beside Lee while he sleeps and place my hands on my belly. I can feel kicks and movements within and outside. I channel every bit of love I have to them. I take deep breaths and visualize them going to my womb and each child. I think about how much I want these little Peas in a Pod to become my babies, children... I want to nurse them, play with them, see them learn to speak, go to school, have friends... Lee and I have a life and a lifestyle we hope to share with our children. We want to take them on trips, laugh, have morning snuggles, decorate Christmas trees, rake leaves... everyday stuff and out-of-the-ordinary stuff.
And to be extra clear, I want happy, healthy children - because, who doesn't? I want my children to have quality of life. I want the world to literally be their oyster.
Losing a child, when it has become a child (at this point they are likely to live for an hour or more before dying) but before it is strong enough to survive as a little person for long, I am not only losing a family member, I am losing everything I planned and hoped for that individual, us and our family. I will grieve the way our family used to be. I am losing any 'getting to know them' - I will never know about their sounds, facial expressions, preferences that can be seen so early in life. I will never know their personalities.
So, saying "I want these babies" or "I want them soooooo much" or anything else simply does not, cannot, come close to accurately depicting the strength of that desire and love. This whole blog does not articulate what I feel deep within my core: that thing that has given me the where with all to continue this fight in the face of awful odds. I am so terrified of losing these children - one or both - but I already love them too much to not give every inch of my body and self to trying to bring them into this world.
Facebook status: Never has language failed me so hugely and never will I take for granted my children
Friday, September 27, 2013
Update
So yesterday I made it to 21 weeks. We spent the day at the MFM clinic getting an update. The ultrasound revealed that Baby A and Baby B are both still gaining weight and have healthy heartbeats. The internet tells me that the average weight for a baby at 21 weeks is about 12.7 oz. Baby A is 12oz and Baby B is 14oz. I am hoping that next time we go both babies could be above one pound.
Baby A continues to have cysts on the brain and had no measurable fluid. The membrane being stuck to the arm was not visible in this ultrasound, so fingers crossed that it was just a fluke last time.
Baby B looks well, no concerns noted.
We went over some of the things to be considered around viability and I was surprised as my MFM specialist's responses compared to what I have seen with other women. In the next few weeks I will have to do some research so that Lee and I can figure out what we are most comfortable with.
Facebook Status: Keep on hoping, keep on coping...
Baby A continues to have cysts on the brain and had no measurable fluid. The membrane being stuck to the arm was not visible in this ultrasound, so fingers crossed that it was just a fluke last time.
Baby B looks well, no concerns noted.
We went over some of the things to be considered around viability and I was surprised as my MFM specialist's responses compared to what I have seen with other women. In the next few weeks I will have to do some research so that Lee and I can figure out what we are most comfortable with.
Facebook Status: Keep on hoping, keep on coping...
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
In my Grandmother's words
Lee has been away for two nights now and I have barely slept for those nights. Instead of sleeping, I toss and turn, thinking of blog posts, ideas.. my time before sleep with Lee is usually used to debrief and when I am alone I tend to have circular thinking that keeps me awake. Along with my typical hope and doom thinking last night, I also thought of two things: how scary new symptoms are and how much I have changed (perhaps I will leave that latter for another day).
Part A
To quote my maternal grandmother: "What new hell is this?" That is what I was thinking last night. I noticed on Sunday evening, the one time that I decided to leave the house in weeks, that I had more fluid leakage than that to which I have become accustomed. I was then distracted by all that pain Sunday night and Monday. It was last night that I realized that each day since Sunday I have lost more fluid. I am now leaking twice per day and each time it is more fluid. And if that's a new pattern, then honestly, what new hell is this? I am not ready for this to be over. While I remind myself frequently that this is out of my control and I have given it my best, there is a side of me that insists that I make it to viability or beyond. But, more fluid loss? Where is this fluid coming from? Does this mean Baby A is having less (perhaps imagined) time spent with some fluid around? Was there something else floating around in there that we do not know about? Or, God forbid (and I do not consider myself to be religious), is Baby B now losing fluid too? Baby B's health has been something I've relied to keep me going, but what if it is now compromised as well? Please, make my brain stop thinking. Stop guessing. Go to sleep!
This morning I posted on various support groups and have been informed that as babies get bigger they can produce more fluid and that it is typical to notice an increase in fluid loss as the pregnancy progresses. My fingers are crossed that this is the case. Ultrasound and MFM appointment tomorrow will hopefully shine some light.
Facebook status: Every day seems to be a new hell, but each with at least the hope of having had one more day
Part A
To quote my maternal grandmother: "What new hell is this?" That is what I was thinking last night. I noticed on Sunday evening, the one time that I decided to leave the house in weeks, that I had more fluid leakage than that to which I have become accustomed. I was then distracted by all that pain Sunday night and Monday. It was last night that I realized that each day since Sunday I have lost more fluid. I am now leaking twice per day and each time it is more fluid. And if that's a new pattern, then honestly, what new hell is this? I am not ready for this to be over. While I remind myself frequently that this is out of my control and I have given it my best, there is a side of me that insists that I make it to viability or beyond. But, more fluid loss? Where is this fluid coming from? Does this mean Baby A is having less (perhaps imagined) time spent with some fluid around? Was there something else floating around in there that we do not know about? Or, God forbid (and I do not consider myself to be religious), is Baby B now losing fluid too? Baby B's health has been something I've relied to keep me going, but what if it is now compromised as well? Please, make my brain stop thinking. Stop guessing. Go to sleep!
This morning I posted on various support groups and have been informed that as babies get bigger they can produce more fluid and that it is typical to notice an increase in fluid loss as the pregnancy progresses. My fingers are crossed that this is the case. Ultrasound and MFM appointment tomorrow will hopefully shine some light.
Facebook status: Every day seems to be a new hell, but each with at least the hope of having had one more day
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Scary Moments and Magical Thinking
I am not sure that I have any regular followers, but some may have noticed that I did not post yesterday - or on the weekend for that matter. I tend not to post on weekends simply because EllaGrace is home and there is generally more comings and goings. But yesterday I did not post anything because I was scared. On top of which, Lee left for a work trip to Toronto yesterday afternoon, a separation that I have been quite anxious about in general.
The thing about Lee leaving is that half of my brain really believes that this could jinx us. If something is going to go wrong it is bound to happen while he is away. Then I will say "I knew something was going to happen... you never should have gone." The other half of my brain that functions more on the basis of logic is aware that this is not exactly how things work. But it is scary nevertheless. He would be four hours away: he could miss the birth, I might have to make big decisions without him, he could miss his only chance to meet these babies. Jinx-y!!! So, my fingers are extra crossed that I will be okay (more so than usual? Maybe.. but not sure that I can hope more than I already do)
Funnily enough though, the night before he was scheduled to leave (Sunday night) as I was getting ready for bed I started having this dull pain in my lower abdomen. I tried sitting and lying down but it would not let up. We figured it was a baby and Lee decided to try to sleep while I tossed and turned, searching for a comfortable position. An hour later I had not found any relief and my mind had run the gamut of possible complications: labour, infection, something I've never heard of... the usual. I woke Lee around 12h30 and said I wanted to call the midwives for their opinion, mentally preparing myself for a trip to Ottawa. The midwife said it did not sound like infection, since I had a specific moment wherein I began to feel the discomfort and that since there had not been any ups and downs it was inconsistent with labour. She suggested that a baby may have lodged itself somewhere strange, that I should go to the hospital if anything changed and that she would have her co-worker, K, come by in the morning.
With a little bit of relief, but still filled with doubt, I revisited our discussion. If the baby is 'lodged' in an uncomfortable, low-lying area of my abdomen, then it may need gravity to help it out. Taking a page from my dear friend Christie's pregnancy solutions, I decided to try to get myself in an upside-down position. I had three pillows under my bottom and my feet up on our headboard: immediate relief! I took a Tylenol just before this and stayed up like that for about 20 minutes before shimmying myself back into a normal sleeping position. Needless to say it was a long night; I didn't get any sleep before 02h00. I was able to sleep on my back after that, but if I turned on my side the pain would occur on that side, but more fiercely.
The following morning I was able to take my normal short shower and make it to my couch/station in the family room before the discomfort returned. I was propped up and whiny until K came by to check on me. She stayed for about 45 minutes discussing the pain and monitoring how it evolved while she was there. She talked about all sorts of delightful things relating to the pregnancy (ie. If they babies live for a few hours, do I allow EllaGrace to meet them?). She indicated that she believed the experience to be round ligament pain. I have had round ligament pain before, but it was more textbook, whereas this was more debilitating. Awful! She did hear both babies' healthy heartbeats and they were both moving. Later in the day I was fine when immobile but the pain was near excruciating if I tried to walk to the bathroom. I was packed with heating pads and consoled with back rubs until Lee left for Toronto and EllaGrace came home from daycare.
I know that my in-laws were fairly worried - my mother-in-law wished we would have also called the hospital (which we didn't for fear of too many opinions) and decided to take EllaGrace for the night and ensure that she and her spouse both had car seats ready so that they could get me to the Ottawa hospital and care for EllaGrace without trouble. And, to be fair, I did have a big emotional breakdown about the pain and my fear of Lee being away when my mother-in-law was here, so.... But, I wanted Lee to go to Toronto because we finally chose a couple of little things for the babies at Pottery Barn Kids that he could pick up. So, I told him to go shopping and hurry back - which he agreed was his priority! (Don't tell his boss).
Anyways, I felt much better by bed time and have had very little discomfort today. Anything that I have felt has been when I was using abdominal muscles which is congruent with K's diagnosis. So, for now, I will stay on my couch with my fingers crossed and my head down.
Facebook status of the day: Magical thinking is taking over me... logical me, where have you gone?
The thing about Lee leaving is that half of my brain really believes that this could jinx us. If something is going to go wrong it is bound to happen while he is away. Then I will say "I knew something was going to happen... you never should have gone." The other half of my brain that functions more on the basis of logic is aware that this is not exactly how things work. But it is scary nevertheless. He would be four hours away: he could miss the birth, I might have to make big decisions without him, he could miss his only chance to meet these babies. Jinx-y!!! So, my fingers are extra crossed that I will be okay (more so than usual? Maybe.. but not sure that I can hope more than I already do)
Funnily enough though, the night before he was scheduled to leave (Sunday night) as I was getting ready for bed I started having this dull pain in my lower abdomen. I tried sitting and lying down but it would not let up. We figured it was a baby and Lee decided to try to sleep while I tossed and turned, searching for a comfortable position. An hour later I had not found any relief and my mind had run the gamut of possible complications: labour, infection, something I've never heard of... the usual. I woke Lee around 12h30 and said I wanted to call the midwives for their opinion, mentally preparing myself for a trip to Ottawa. The midwife said it did not sound like infection, since I had a specific moment wherein I began to feel the discomfort and that since there had not been any ups and downs it was inconsistent with labour. She suggested that a baby may have lodged itself somewhere strange, that I should go to the hospital if anything changed and that she would have her co-worker, K, come by in the morning.
With a little bit of relief, but still filled with doubt, I revisited our discussion. If the baby is 'lodged' in an uncomfortable, low-lying area of my abdomen, then it may need gravity to help it out. Taking a page from my dear friend Christie's pregnancy solutions, I decided to try to get myself in an upside-down position. I had three pillows under my bottom and my feet up on our headboard: immediate relief! I took a Tylenol just before this and stayed up like that for about 20 minutes before shimmying myself back into a normal sleeping position. Needless to say it was a long night; I didn't get any sleep before 02h00. I was able to sleep on my back after that, but if I turned on my side the pain would occur on that side, but more fiercely.
The following morning I was able to take my normal short shower and make it to my couch/station in the family room before the discomfort returned. I was propped up and whiny until K came by to check on me. She stayed for about 45 minutes discussing the pain and monitoring how it evolved while she was there. She talked about all sorts of delightful things relating to the pregnancy (ie. If they babies live for a few hours, do I allow EllaGrace to meet them?). She indicated that she believed the experience to be round ligament pain. I have had round ligament pain before, but it was more textbook, whereas this was more debilitating. Awful! She did hear both babies' healthy heartbeats and they were both moving. Later in the day I was fine when immobile but the pain was near excruciating if I tried to walk to the bathroom. I was packed with heating pads and consoled with back rubs until Lee left for Toronto and EllaGrace came home from daycare.
I know that my in-laws were fairly worried - my mother-in-law wished we would have also called the hospital (which we didn't for fear of too many opinions) and decided to take EllaGrace for the night and ensure that she and her spouse both had car seats ready so that they could get me to the Ottawa hospital and care for EllaGrace without trouble. And, to be fair, I did have a big emotional breakdown about the pain and my fear of Lee being away when my mother-in-law was here, so.... But, I wanted Lee to go to Toronto because we finally chose a couple of little things for the babies at Pottery Barn Kids that he could pick up. So, I told him to go shopping and hurry back - which he agreed was his priority! (Don't tell his boss).
Anyways, I felt much better by bed time and have had very little discomfort today. Anything that I have felt has been when I was using abdominal muscles which is congruent with K's diagnosis. So, for now, I will stay on my couch with my fingers crossed and my head down.
Facebook status of the day: Magical thinking is taking over me... logical me, where have you gone?
Friday, September 20, 2013
My Dark Side
So, I almost feel as though this post will need a disclaimer: Readers be aware, the following includes bleak, hopeless thinking, morbid humour, and too much personal information.
I reached 20 weeks yesterday and instead of having that function as a milestone achieved, a halfway mark, I feel worse. My mood is lower.. I feel more down than I have in recent days. Getting this far was miracle enough, what are the chances I can really double it? Or more? And on top of that, the chances of two babies coming from this pregnancy seem so low, why have hope for both? Why think about the pregnancy as a 'twin' pregnancy when it is more like a complicated singleton pregnancy? I continue to feel movement (positive) but I am generally unable to tell who is moving. At the last ultrasound we were told the babies were transverse with both of their heads to my left. We also saw Baby B basically kicking Baby A in the head. Jokes about sibling rivalry were made, but it put a lot of doubt in my mind. If Baby B has so much range of motion, then no matter where I feel something, it could simply be Baby B. On top of that, I have been leaking daily. Basically sometime between 06h00 and 09h00 while I am sleeping I lose what I assume to be the amount of fluid accumulated in a 24 hour period. It is so disheartening every time it happens. Little Baby A must have been blocking the major area of the rupture a few weeks ago when I was able to retain just a little bit. But losing it regularly... my poor little Pea is unlikely to have the opportunity to work on those little lungs if the fluid is leaving every 24 hours. Between that - which in my mind is worse lately - and all the other strikes against the baby... it is so hard to have hope for it at all.
I noticed yesterday that my mood was lower. My sister noticed too. I didn't attribute it to much, but it was upon reflection this morning that I started noticing other changes. For example, about 3 days after I ruptured in August Lee and I talked about taking a trip. I framed/tried to sell it to him in three different ways: 1) I will be turning 30 in November, why wouldn't we go somewhere with our daughter and celebrate the big 3-0? 2) The pregnancy will have ended by then and this can serve as a marker of us moving forward as a family and recognizing that we still have one another or 3) I've lost two children - it's my 'Dead Baby' trip. Who's going to say no to that? Anyways, Lee, the positive man that he is was only swayed by #1 and #2, but I have continued to make reference to my 'Dead Baby' trip nonetheless. In our first days back home and on bed rest I did lots of searching and put together some ideas for an extravagant, EllaGrace-friendly, somewhat affordable trip. I haven't actually looked at trips since then. Until yesterday. Yesterday I looked at time share opportunities (through my in-laws) and resorts... getaways.. ways to forget. The fact that I have restarted thinking about my 'Dead Baby' trip seems to be a clear reflection of how hopeless I am feeling. The statistics and the time we have to go for real viability is daunting, overwhelming and paralyzing.
In the mean time, I (we) have been wrestling with names. We still have our original short list of names. We now have a list of names which are reflective of the journey of this pregnancy, whether or not the little Peas have long lives outside of the womb. I have a couple of unisex names. But, you know what? I cannot settle on names without knowing the actual sex. I come up with names that I think I like, but then I end up trying to put them into full names and they become gender specific. It seems like giving them names would be helpful to build an identity for each of them, to feel as if I know them.. but then, they just seem like arbitrary names that I might not have chosen had I had more information. Add that to the list of things outside of my control that I torture myself with.
Now that I have written out how I am feeling, I can hear friends and family reminding me that thinking positively is better for both the babies and I. I remind myself of the quote "where there is life, there is hope". I try to balance my thinking... at the very least distract myself... but you know what? That's damn hard. I believe that I have to prepare myself for whatever outcome. I have information in my email about a funeral home that will cremate my children's bodies and I have a friend designing and making an urn. That's a dark email account. My babies still have an awful prognosis. They do not have names. They do not even have an article of clothing or a toy to call their own. I am stalling and slow on all of my decisions - nothing is good enough or easy enough. I do not even get a break in my rest - my dreams are bad dreams, nightmares of having my children die, disappear or, on a good night, just your run-of-the-mill axe murderer dreams.
So yes, I do need to balance my thinking. But yesterday and today, I have been unable to do so. And that too, is a part of this journey. Acknowledging the possible outcomes, trying to prepare myself for the unimaginable. Better days will come, or it will end. This is where I am at today.
Facebook status of the day: Stuck, powerless, alone... but honest
I reached 20 weeks yesterday and instead of having that function as a milestone achieved, a halfway mark, I feel worse. My mood is lower.. I feel more down than I have in recent days. Getting this far was miracle enough, what are the chances I can really double it? Or more? And on top of that, the chances of two babies coming from this pregnancy seem so low, why have hope for both? Why think about the pregnancy as a 'twin' pregnancy when it is more like a complicated singleton pregnancy? I continue to feel movement (positive) but I am generally unable to tell who is moving. At the last ultrasound we were told the babies were transverse with both of their heads to my left. We also saw Baby B basically kicking Baby A in the head. Jokes about sibling rivalry were made, but it put a lot of doubt in my mind. If Baby B has so much range of motion, then no matter where I feel something, it could simply be Baby B. On top of that, I have been leaking daily. Basically sometime between 06h00 and 09h00 while I am sleeping I lose what I assume to be the amount of fluid accumulated in a 24 hour period. It is so disheartening every time it happens. Little Baby A must have been blocking the major area of the rupture a few weeks ago when I was able to retain just a little bit. But losing it regularly... my poor little Pea is unlikely to have the opportunity to work on those little lungs if the fluid is leaving every 24 hours. Between that - which in my mind is worse lately - and all the other strikes against the baby... it is so hard to have hope for it at all.
I noticed yesterday that my mood was lower. My sister noticed too. I didn't attribute it to much, but it was upon reflection this morning that I started noticing other changes. For example, about 3 days after I ruptured in August Lee and I talked about taking a trip. I framed/tried to sell it to him in three different ways: 1) I will be turning 30 in November, why wouldn't we go somewhere with our daughter and celebrate the big 3-0? 2) The pregnancy will have ended by then and this can serve as a marker of us moving forward as a family and recognizing that we still have one another or 3) I've lost two children - it's my 'Dead Baby' trip. Who's going to say no to that? Anyways, Lee, the positive man that he is was only swayed by #1 and #2, but I have continued to make reference to my 'Dead Baby' trip nonetheless. In our first days back home and on bed rest I did lots of searching and put together some ideas for an extravagant, EllaGrace-friendly, somewhat affordable trip. I haven't actually looked at trips since then. Until yesterday. Yesterday I looked at time share opportunities (through my in-laws) and resorts... getaways.. ways to forget. The fact that I have restarted thinking about my 'Dead Baby' trip seems to be a clear reflection of how hopeless I am feeling. The statistics and the time we have to go for real viability is daunting, overwhelming and paralyzing.
In the mean time, I (we) have been wrestling with names. We still have our original short list of names. We now have a list of names which are reflective of the journey of this pregnancy, whether or not the little Peas have long lives outside of the womb. I have a couple of unisex names. But, you know what? I cannot settle on names without knowing the actual sex. I come up with names that I think I like, but then I end up trying to put them into full names and they become gender specific. It seems like giving them names would be helpful to build an identity for each of them, to feel as if I know them.. but then, they just seem like arbitrary names that I might not have chosen had I had more information. Add that to the list of things outside of my control that I torture myself with.
Now that I have written out how I am feeling, I can hear friends and family reminding me that thinking positively is better for both the babies and I. I remind myself of the quote "where there is life, there is hope". I try to balance my thinking... at the very least distract myself... but you know what? That's damn hard. I believe that I have to prepare myself for whatever outcome. I have information in my email about a funeral home that will cremate my children's bodies and I have a friend designing and making an urn. That's a dark email account. My babies still have an awful prognosis. They do not have names. They do not even have an article of clothing or a toy to call their own. I am stalling and slow on all of my decisions - nothing is good enough or easy enough. I do not even get a break in my rest - my dreams are bad dreams, nightmares of having my children die, disappear or, on a good night, just your run-of-the-mill axe murderer dreams.
So yes, I do need to balance my thinking. But yesterday and today, I have been unable to do so. And that too, is a part of this journey. Acknowledging the possible outcomes, trying to prepare myself for the unimaginable. Better days will come, or it will end. This is where I am at today.
Facebook status of the day: Stuck, powerless, alone... but honest
Thursday, September 19, 2013
My first pregnancy photographs
I have been nervous throughout this pregnancy and, to be fair, have spent most of the summer away from home and my husband. As a result I did not take any pregnancy photographs documenting my belly. Once I ruptured I decided against it - why would I want to remember how I looked in the worst days of my life? Over the past five weeks I have reconsidered this and today, at 20 week gestation, had the first photos of my belly taken. It is fun to compare my belly from a singleton pregnancy and my current pregnancy... see below.
20 Weeks with EG 20 Weeks with 2 Peas
The Wrong Side of Mercy - 20 weeks gestation
Shortly after we made the decision to continue the pregnancy my partner, Lee, made a plea for mercy. He said that he hoped that we were shown mercy one way or another. Essentially, we agreed, that mercy would be to miscarry soon or to have a long, viable pregnancy which resulted in babies. (Would one live baby be considered mercy? I don't know).
Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. I can safely say that we both agree that we have passed the 'mercy mark' on the miscarriage/infection side. At this stage of pregnancy, if born the babies may live for a couple of hours before passing away in our arms. They will look like babies. And for me, it will not be a 'miscarriage', but then, perhaps that has been true for a while. Either way, 20 weeks seems to make a mark for me that infection or spontaneous labour is no longer merciful: I have waited to long, hoped to hard, begged too loudly and cried to hard for the loss of the pregnancy to be anything but cruel.
Sadly, we are a long way away from the other side of mercy. Viability is technically set to be 24 weeks gestation, but the statistics/anecdotal evidence I have read suggest that 26 weeks is really when the babies start to have a fighting chance (look at the stories at http://www.inkan.se/pprom/). Four or six weeks (or even better, longer) still seems so far away. I have already done five weeks of bed rest and it has been manageable but it just seems to me that the chances of infection or other problems just continue to grow as we move slowly along the gestational calendar.
I have never been a patient person. This long, drawn-out, emotional rollercoaster is just killing me. I seem to be edging nearer and nearer to the line where hope is reasonable, and yet I am just not there yet. It's like an ever-moving target.
Facebook Status: I'm begging you for mercy...
Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. I can safely say that we both agree that we have passed the 'mercy mark' on the miscarriage/infection side. At this stage of pregnancy, if born the babies may live for a couple of hours before passing away in our arms. They will look like babies. And for me, it will not be a 'miscarriage', but then, perhaps that has been true for a while. Either way, 20 weeks seems to make a mark for me that infection or spontaneous labour is no longer merciful: I have waited to long, hoped to hard, begged too loudly and cried to hard for the loss of the pregnancy to be anything but cruel.
Sadly, we are a long way away from the other side of mercy. Viability is technically set to be 24 weeks gestation, but the statistics/anecdotal evidence I have read suggest that 26 weeks is really when the babies start to have a fighting chance (look at the stories at http://www.inkan.se/pprom/). Four or six weeks (or even better, longer) still seems so far away. I have already done five weeks of bed rest and it has been manageable but it just seems to me that the chances of infection or other problems just continue to grow as we move slowly along the gestational calendar.
I have never been a patient person. This long, drawn-out, emotional rollercoaster is just killing me. I seem to be edging nearer and nearer to the line where hope is reasonable, and yet I am just not there yet. It's like an ever-moving target.
Facebook Status: I'm begging you for mercy...
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
A Visit with my Midwifery Team
Before everything went from normal twin complicated to disaster, I was under the care of the same midwives who supported me through my first pregnancy and delivery. They have been such a wonderful source of information and support. Despite the fact that my care has been transferred to a specialist, they pop in periodically to check on me. Yesterday was one such day.
I share this because we listened to the babies' hearts and movements. Actually we had finished listening and then my sister came in shortly thereafter and asked to hear as well. When S touched my belly and put the doppler back on me, she laughed and noticed that Baby B had moved away. As she tried to find the heartbeat again the baby kept kicking the doppler. Baby A scooted away each time she applied any pressure. My sister, S, and I all laughed. It was a fun moment in which we can feel that we know the babies a little bit better.
Thank you, S. (And K, even though she was not there today!).
I share this because we listened to the babies' hearts and movements. Actually we had finished listening and then my sister came in shortly thereafter and asked to hear as well. When S touched my belly and put the doppler back on me, she laughed and noticed that Baby B had moved away. As she tried to find the heartbeat again the baby kept kicking the doppler. Baby A scooted away each time she applied any pressure. My sister, S, and I all laughed. It was a fun moment in which we can feel that we know the babies a little bit better.
Thank you, S. (And K, even though she was not there today!).
The Dilemma of Preparing for Babies with a Dismal Prognosis
When we found out I was pregnant we were thrilled (obviously), but even after we saw those heartbeats and knew we had a 95% chance of a successful pregnancy, I was cautious. My midwife reflected to me just yesterday that I had been nervous of the outcome of this pregnancy since the beginning and my response was "it was too good to be true". Despite things progressing fairly normally, with lots of ultrasound evidence that things were fine, I was nervous. As a result, I had not purchased anything for the babies. We looked at one van, but I had told Lee that we could not buy a van before mid-November - thinking about viability.
In part, I guess I was right. I am actually kind of thankful that I do not have a completed nursery to look at. I do have the room that was intended for a nursery, with bare plaster walls and a crib that my daughter no longer needs. I try not to look in it though; I might not have purchased anything for the babies, but I knew exactly how I wanted to decorate the space and how I would fit two little people into one little nursery. I am thankful that I do not have a little row of gender-neutral, kind of matching outfits hanging in the nursery-to-be closet to look at as I weep.
On the other hand, if I am only to know these babies for a few short hours outside of my womb, then they should have something, right? A name and something to keep them warm and comforted - something so they have evidence that I loved them despite barely knowing them. I have been thinking for a while that I would like to buy something, a hat or a sleeper, for each baby. So, last night I began online shopping for micro-preemie clothing (because, in all likelihood, they will be micro-preemies - which means under 3lbs, I think). I encountered two problems.
The first problem relates to sex. My closest friends know that this is an internal battle for me. I am very cautious and dubious about gendered parenting - which for me includes clothing, toys, decorations and activities I encourage in my child(ren). At the same time though, I enjoy having my daughter dressed in sweet, age appropriate, gendered clothing. (Basically, I am such a hypocrite!) Back to my babies-to-be: I do not actually know the sex of either of them. But, if I am going to dress them only once... I want it to be something that I would be happy to dress a son/daughter in. I don't want to buy two blue onesies and then have one or two girls. Silly? I guess so. But, for me it some how goes back to giving these little people identities. I do not want them to have the same article of clothing just because they're twins and I do want the article of clothing to be congruent with what I perceive/assume his/her gender will be based upon his/her sex. Ugh.. so stuck inside my own head - a battle between my academic side and my desperate mother side. Practically speaking, what this means is that each time I added something to the online shopping cart, I would feel inclined to pick four items so that all the variations of babies would be covered (two boys, two girls, one of each).
The second problem I came across had to do with hope versus doom thinking. I want to buy each baby a hat... not a big problem. But, then I was looking at clothing. There are special NICU outfits that are designed to accommodate all the wires and tubes on a baby. I found a couple of gender neutral, but fun ones, and added them to my shopping cart. But, then I tried to picture these little articles of clothing - which are essentially altered undershirts - on a dead baby. It does not work. If the baby is dying/dead, I want to dress him/her in cozy clothing to keep them warm and safe. I want them to be bundled and cuddly. So then, what I really need is four alive baby outfits and four lost baby outfits - so I can be a prepared mother, trying to protect her babes under all circumstances. Sadly.. . buying 8 preemie outfits would also probably make me a financially broke mother. So I bought nothing. I still have nothing for my sweet babies...
Facebook Status: Unprepared in so many senses... but full of love nonetheless, rest assured Little Peas
In part, I guess I was right. I am actually kind of thankful that I do not have a completed nursery to look at. I do have the room that was intended for a nursery, with bare plaster walls and a crib that my daughter no longer needs. I try not to look in it though; I might not have purchased anything for the babies, but I knew exactly how I wanted to decorate the space and how I would fit two little people into one little nursery. I am thankful that I do not have a little row of gender-neutral, kind of matching outfits hanging in the nursery-to-be closet to look at as I weep.
On the other hand, if I am only to know these babies for a few short hours outside of my womb, then they should have something, right? A name and something to keep them warm and comforted - something so they have evidence that I loved them despite barely knowing them. I have been thinking for a while that I would like to buy something, a hat or a sleeper, for each baby. So, last night I began online shopping for micro-preemie clothing (because, in all likelihood, they will be micro-preemies - which means under 3lbs, I think). I encountered two problems.
The first problem relates to sex. My closest friends know that this is an internal battle for me. I am very cautious and dubious about gendered parenting - which for me includes clothing, toys, decorations and activities I encourage in my child(ren). At the same time though, I enjoy having my daughter dressed in sweet, age appropriate, gendered clothing. (Basically, I am such a hypocrite!) Back to my babies-to-be: I do not actually know the sex of either of them. But, if I am going to dress them only once... I want it to be something that I would be happy to dress a son/daughter in. I don't want to buy two blue onesies and then have one or two girls. Silly? I guess so. But, for me it some how goes back to giving these little people identities. I do not want them to have the same article of clothing just because they're twins and I do want the article of clothing to be congruent with what I perceive/assume his/her gender will be based upon his/her sex. Ugh.. so stuck inside my own head - a battle between my academic side and my desperate mother side. Practically speaking, what this means is that each time I added something to the online shopping cart, I would feel inclined to pick four items so that all the variations of babies would be covered (two boys, two girls, one of each).
The second problem I came across had to do with hope versus doom thinking. I want to buy each baby a hat... not a big problem. But, then I was looking at clothing. There are special NICU outfits that are designed to accommodate all the wires and tubes on a baby. I found a couple of gender neutral, but fun ones, and added them to my shopping cart. But, then I tried to picture these little articles of clothing - which are essentially altered undershirts - on a dead baby. It does not work. If the baby is dying/dead, I want to dress him/her in cozy clothing to keep them warm and safe. I want them to be bundled and cuddly. So then, what I really need is four alive baby outfits and four lost baby outfits - so I can be a prepared mother, trying to protect her babes under all circumstances. Sadly.. . buying 8 preemie outfits would also probably make me a financially broke mother. So I bought nothing. I still have nothing for my sweet babies...
Facebook Status: Unprepared in so many senses... but full of love nonetheless, rest assured Little Peas
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Distraction & Time
Distraction can be so blissful. I have had several busy days - well the business is all around me while I sit on the couch and watch.
The first main distraction has come in the form of my sister, who joined me about a week ago and will stick with me for another month or two. She has been such a gift! I am definitely able to stay in bed rest position with a helper around and have also been eating way better! Not to mention, that we actually enjoy one another's company, so it's not just me, my computer and Netflix all day long (yay!). And we laugh.
Then, on Thursday, when my partner and I were getting ready to head to the hospital, we discovered our daughter had a fever. (Not being able to care for your child when she is distressed as she was is awful, in case you were wondering!). We asked my sister to care for her while we attended appointments. Later that day my sister texted me to say that she too had a fever! On Friday our daughter got antibiotics for possible strep throat and my husband also became ill. A house full of disasters: one sick child, two sick adults and one on bed rest.
Luckily, in swooped Auntie Lynn to save us all! My aunt drove in from out of town (a 4 hour drive) to cook and care for the lot of us. It was such a relief to have someone just come in and take over. I know that all of us appreciated the extra help, compassion and company - and to be fair, my sister worked through her sickness to help Auntie Lynn. EllaGrace continued to be out of sorts all weekend, but between all of the adults we managed to get her through the worst of it - sharing night shifts, etc. It takes a village, right?
I owe huge thank yous to all of the folks that have offered us support thus far. Help in the form of meals, pick-ups from daycare and dog walking simply make life a little bit easier and take a bit of the stress off - and brave face or not, we are facing a lot. My husband told me just last night the hardest part for him has been the loss of sleep - but that is another blog post in itself.
Distraction - short visits or long - give me the opportunity to think about something else. It is such a break from my usual trying to predict the future; I love when friends speak to me about work or hearing updates about family members. The days during which I have visitors pass by more quickly, which is a blessing. But, there's a trick with time. For instance, this weekend, I thought that we had been so busy for so many days and I had had lots of positive conversations (coached by Auntie Lynn) that surely it must have made a significant dent in time. But, then it was only two or three days. I am still only in my 19th week. I am still so far from viability. And, I try to break it down - my next appointment is next Thursday and it's already Tuesday, so a week and a bit away. Only two or three more appointments until viability. But, in reality, I (we) may not make it through the weekend - I could get an infection on any day. And, viability is 5 weeks away, which is a long time. And, really, 26 or 28 or 30 weeks, where our odds would really improve, are that much further.
I am trying to stick to short term goals which I find to be slightly less overwhelming: next appointment, at which time I will be 21 weeks. *deep breath* In the meantime, I will continue to rely on my lovely friends and family (and to be honest, the TV) to keep me distracted, to help those individual days go by a bit faster. A day at a time... I am okay today. For now. I am okay right now, I have this moment in time with my babies. I will be thankful for that.
Facebook Status Update: Time is a trick, it keeps me down but keeps me going
or: Thank you to everyone who has offered us support, information, feedback and love
Laleah and EG
The first main distraction has come in the form of my sister, who joined me about a week ago and will stick with me for another month or two. She has been such a gift! I am definitely able to stay in bed rest position with a helper around and have also been eating way better! Not to mention, that we actually enjoy one another's company, so it's not just me, my computer and Netflix all day long (yay!). And we laugh.
Then, on Thursday, when my partner and I were getting ready to head to the hospital, we discovered our daughter had a fever. (Not being able to care for your child when she is distressed as she was is awful, in case you were wondering!). We asked my sister to care for her while we attended appointments. Later that day my sister texted me to say that she too had a fever! On Friday our daughter got antibiotics for possible strep throat and my husband also became ill. A house full of disasters: one sick child, two sick adults and one on bed rest.
Luckily, in swooped Auntie Lynn to save us all! My aunt drove in from out of town (a 4 hour drive) to cook and care for the lot of us. It was such a relief to have someone just come in and take over. I know that all of us appreciated the extra help, compassion and company - and to be fair, my sister worked through her sickness to help Auntie Lynn. EllaGrace continued to be out of sorts all weekend, but between all of the adults we managed to get her through the worst of it - sharing night shifts, etc. It takes a village, right?
I owe huge thank yous to all of the folks that have offered us support thus far. Help in the form of meals, pick-ups from daycare and dog walking simply make life a little bit easier and take a bit of the stress off - and brave face or not, we are facing a lot. My husband told me just last night the hardest part for him has been the loss of sleep - but that is another blog post in itself.
Distraction - short visits or long - give me the opportunity to think about something else. It is such a break from my usual trying to predict the future; I love when friends speak to me about work or hearing updates about family members. The days during which I have visitors pass by more quickly, which is a blessing. But, there's a trick with time. For instance, this weekend, I thought that we had been so busy for so many days and I had had lots of positive conversations (coached by Auntie Lynn) that surely it must have made a significant dent in time. But, then it was only two or three days. I am still only in my 19th week. I am still so far from viability. And, I try to break it down - my next appointment is next Thursday and it's already Tuesday, so a week and a bit away. Only two or three more appointments until viability. But, in reality, I (we) may not make it through the weekend - I could get an infection on any day. And, viability is 5 weeks away, which is a long time. And, really, 26 or 28 or 30 weeks, where our odds would really improve, are that much further.
I am trying to stick to short term goals which I find to be slightly less overwhelming: next appointment, at which time I will be 21 weeks. *deep breath* In the meantime, I will continue to rely on my lovely friends and family (and to be honest, the TV) to keep me distracted, to help those individual days go by a bit faster. A day at a time... I am okay today. For now. I am okay right now, I have this moment in time with my babies. I will be thankful for that.
Facebook Status Update: Time is a trick, it keeps me down but keeps me going
or: Thank you to everyone who has offered us support, information, feedback and love
Friday, September 13, 2013
pPROM Update II
Well, we had our meeting with the new doctor. And, thank goodness, it went so much better. *huge sigh of relief*
I think it went more smoothly in part because we are in a different place. We know more about what's happening and what we want out of a medical team. Also, I was in a place where I could communicate that clearly, with a fresh start. On the other hand, the doctors also responded differently to our concerns and knowledge. The specialist has even dealt with pPROM twins before - yay for knowledge!
Here is a quick summary of how things went:
The Ultrasound:
Showed that Baby B is doing great. They did not tell us the sex, but from what the Tech. said, my bets are on a little boy. (We did not want to know just one, and Baby A is too hard to see to determine sex).
Baby A:
- Had 1.1cm of fluid - having measurable fluid is a definitely a step up from previous ultrasounds, although it's very little fluid in the grand scheme of things. The doctor acknowledged that this is crucial time for lung development but that doctors simply do not know how much a baby needs to survive.
- Had a strong, positive flow through the umbilical cord
- Two measurable choroid plexus cysts (cysts on brain). Generally, these can be harmless and may disappear. However, they are considered to be soft markers for chromosome abnormalities.
- The membrane appears to be stuck to one arm. This may be indicative of the membrane wrapping around part of the baby's arm, which may cause amputation.
--> The MFM Specialist and the Fellow both hypothesized that the information gained about Baby A may amount to the baby being an unhealthy baby. They suggested that perhaps Mother Nature knows something that we do not, leading to the rupture and possible demise of the baby. They also indicated that because there is a lack of fluid, they cannot do further investigation to determine if there are other markers of chromosome abnormalities (Down's syndrome or Trisomy 18). They noted that because the baby continues to grow and have a healthy heartbeat, that there is also the possibility that the baby will be fine.
The Doctors
Our appointment took place 2 hours late (long day). First the fellow came in and after a quick history, asked us why we were seeking a second opinion. I proceeded to explain/rant/cry that we had not been respected, our questions had been unanswered, our doctor lacked experience or the ability to support us in expectant management. The most amazing part was that while I kept ranting, I could see that he wanted to say something but actually stopped himself because he understood that I needed to feel heard. The fellow explained that he has a lot of OB experience and that he prefers to err on the side of hope - words that brought tears to my eyes. He highlighted that as much as we cannot predict the future, we have already beat the odds so why not continue to focus on that.
The MFM Specialist arrived a while later and immediately apologized for the long wait. She sat down and said that she had been told what we had discussed but that she wanted to hear it from me, as we had a lot to talk about. Then she put her things down and got comfortable. She also highlighted hope, her own experience with other women beating the odds. She indicated that she can and has performed delayed interval delivery using cerclage - something our last doctor said would be experimental and that she would not perform.
So, both doctors said that they are comfortable having some hope, but did not sugar-coat that the stats are grim and we have long way to go. Finally, honest and balanced thinking from a medical professional. She gave us a little bit of hope, but more than anything, she respected us and we left feeling empowered.
Facebook: Continuing Cautiously...
I think it went more smoothly in part because we are in a different place. We know more about what's happening and what we want out of a medical team. Also, I was in a place where I could communicate that clearly, with a fresh start. On the other hand, the doctors also responded differently to our concerns and knowledge. The specialist has even dealt with pPROM twins before - yay for knowledge!
Here is a quick summary of how things went:
The Ultrasound:
Showed that Baby B is doing great. They did not tell us the sex, but from what the Tech. said, my bets are on a little boy. (We did not want to know just one, and Baby A is too hard to see to determine sex).
Baby A:
- Had 1.1cm of fluid - having measurable fluid is a definitely a step up from previous ultrasounds, although it's very little fluid in the grand scheme of things. The doctor acknowledged that this is crucial time for lung development but that doctors simply do not know how much a baby needs to survive.
- Had a strong, positive flow through the umbilical cord
- Two measurable choroid plexus cysts (cysts on brain). Generally, these can be harmless and may disappear. However, they are considered to be soft markers for chromosome abnormalities.
- The membrane appears to be stuck to one arm. This may be indicative of the membrane wrapping around part of the baby's arm, which may cause amputation.
--> The MFM Specialist and the Fellow both hypothesized that the information gained about Baby A may amount to the baby being an unhealthy baby. They suggested that perhaps Mother Nature knows something that we do not, leading to the rupture and possible demise of the baby. They also indicated that because there is a lack of fluid, they cannot do further investigation to determine if there are other markers of chromosome abnormalities (Down's syndrome or Trisomy 18). They noted that because the baby continues to grow and have a healthy heartbeat, that there is also the possibility that the baby will be fine.
The Doctors
Our appointment took place 2 hours late (long day). First the fellow came in and after a quick history, asked us why we were seeking a second opinion. I proceeded to explain/rant/cry that we had not been respected, our questions had been unanswered, our doctor lacked experience or the ability to support us in expectant management. The most amazing part was that while I kept ranting, I could see that he wanted to say something but actually stopped himself because he understood that I needed to feel heard. The fellow explained that he has a lot of OB experience and that he prefers to err on the side of hope - words that brought tears to my eyes. He highlighted that as much as we cannot predict the future, we have already beat the odds so why not continue to focus on that.
The MFM Specialist arrived a while later and immediately apologized for the long wait. She sat down and said that she had been told what we had discussed but that she wanted to hear it from me, as we had a lot to talk about. Then she put her things down and got comfortable. She also highlighted hope, her own experience with other women beating the odds. She indicated that she can and has performed delayed interval delivery using cerclage - something our last doctor said would be experimental and that she would not perform.
So, both doctors said that they are comfortable having some hope, but did not sugar-coat that the stats are grim and we have long way to go. Finally, honest and balanced thinking from a medical professional. She gave us a little bit of hope, but more than anything, she respected us and we left feeling empowered.
Facebook: Continuing Cautiously...
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Preparing for Dead Babies
A morbid post, but I'm "keepin' it real". Truth be told, I have no idea what I will want or how I will react to losing my babies (if). But these are some of the things that have gone through my mind - thoughts I never thought I would have, thoughts I hate to have, that bring me back to the brutal reality of pPROM and the incredible fear I have.
~ Seeing Them ~
This is not a decision for some people but I pPROMed at 15 weeks, so it was for me. Originally my partner and I both considered distance as a coping mechanism. To be early in my second trimester, we would not know the sex, we would not need to see the fetuses after a miscarriage and we could try our best to move on from that. While he has maintained his distance techniques, I have not.
The closer I get to 20 weeks the more I rethink things. I decided that if the babies looked like babies and certainly if they were alive at birth, that I would hold them. Even typing that - to hold my tiny, premature children and have them die in my arms - how on Earth will I survive that? It is such an awful reality. On the other hand, I certainly could not turn my back on them in their only moments of life or abandon them in death. So, if they are there, so am I.
Kind of strangely, there seemed to be a grey zone, which I am slowly getting past. In this zone - 17/18 maybe 19 weeks - I was unsure if I wanted to see them. They might look like babies, but I do not know if they would have any life. I used to have so many thoughts on this zone, but as I am slowly creeping past it, it seems less relevant.
~ Naming Them ~
Again, something I have never put much thought into, but the names we had shortlisted were for the babies who we imagined live and well and in our home. A name I would use to call a daughter for dinner, or my son's name while we played peek-a-boo. Do I want to use those same names for doomed babies? Some of the names are to honour family and friends - do you name a dead baby after a living relative? Or, should we come up with names that signify the short journey that they had? A name I don't have to hear often, so maybe my heart aches less frequently?
~ Afterwards ~
Depending on the age of gestation, the babies can be disposed of as bio-hazardous waste. I don't think that I can do that, so I suppose I will have them cremated. I will soon begin the planning process of identifying funeral homes that can collect their small bodies to have them cremated. But what to do with them after that? Do you have a funeral or a celebration of life, for two little lives that were never lived? Do you have a small ceremony alone? Do you involve others? Who is grieving? Some friends have told me to do whatever I need, but I will always think of others, as I have had so much family and friends' support who have shared in our tears. (And at that, if the babies have 1 or 2 hours of life, do I want to share those moments with others who love them?)
I have so many ideas of what might be possible - a marker for the babies in the family plot, but it is too far away; placing the ashes with my father's, but the ocean is too big for small babies... I guess I will just make the decisions in grief.
Facebook status of the day: Sometimes I cry so hard, I can hear and feel nothing else
A Quote: If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
~ Seeing Them ~
This is not a decision for some people but I pPROMed at 15 weeks, so it was for me. Originally my partner and I both considered distance as a coping mechanism. To be early in my second trimester, we would not know the sex, we would not need to see the fetuses after a miscarriage and we could try our best to move on from that. While he has maintained his distance techniques, I have not.
The closer I get to 20 weeks the more I rethink things. I decided that if the babies looked like babies and certainly if they were alive at birth, that I would hold them. Even typing that - to hold my tiny, premature children and have them die in my arms - how on Earth will I survive that? It is such an awful reality. On the other hand, I certainly could not turn my back on them in their only moments of life or abandon them in death. So, if they are there, so am I.
Kind of strangely, there seemed to be a grey zone, which I am slowly getting past. In this zone - 17/18 maybe 19 weeks - I was unsure if I wanted to see them. They might look like babies, but I do not know if they would have any life. I used to have so many thoughts on this zone, but as I am slowly creeping past it, it seems less relevant.
~ Naming Them ~
Again, something I have never put much thought into, but the names we had shortlisted were for the babies who we imagined live and well and in our home. A name I would use to call a daughter for dinner, or my son's name while we played peek-a-boo. Do I want to use those same names for doomed babies? Some of the names are to honour family and friends - do you name a dead baby after a living relative? Or, should we come up with names that signify the short journey that they had? A name I don't have to hear often, so maybe my heart aches less frequently?
~ Afterwards ~
Depending on the age of gestation, the babies can be disposed of as bio-hazardous waste. I don't think that I can do that, so I suppose I will have them cremated. I will soon begin the planning process of identifying funeral homes that can collect their small bodies to have them cremated. But what to do with them after that? Do you have a funeral or a celebration of life, for two little lives that were never lived? Do you have a small ceremony alone? Do you involve others? Who is grieving? Some friends have told me to do whatever I need, but I will always think of others, as I have had so much family and friends' support who have shared in our tears. (And at that, if the babies have 1 or 2 hours of life, do I want to share those moments with others who love them?)
I have so many ideas of what might be possible - a marker for the babies in the family plot, but it is too far away; placing the ashes with my father's, but the ocean is too big for small babies... I guess I will just make the decisions in grief.
Facebook status of the day: Sometimes I cry so hard, I can hear and feel nothing else
A Quote: If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Knowing My Babies in Utero (as perhaps the only way of knowing them)
In my last pregnancy, and certainly at the start of this one, I always refused to know the sex of the baby/babies. With EllaGrace I loved the surprise and it fun was spreading the news. However, this pregnancy is not like all pregnancies. I may never meet these babies. So, I have been asking myself (and my partner) if I want to know the sexes now.
If I only have this time with my babies, do I want to know them more? And, does knowing the sex of the baby even facilitate that? In my terror and grief stricken mind, today, it seems that I would being starting to know them. I could refer to feeling my son or daughter move. I could maybe find itsy-bitsy, tragic hats or receiving blankets for each of them. Perhaps, by knowing their sexes, I could start to create a narrative about each of them. I would be able to prepare for losing my son(s) or daughter(s). I could start picking names - and considering if these would change depending on the outcome. Maybe I have already had enough surprises in this pregnancy...
On the other hand, it is entirely possible that the sex of Baby A will be unclear. When amniotic fluid is not present, the baby is squished and looks like a little vacuum packed baboo. The ultrasound depends on fluid as a means for visualization, so it is difficult to see details. Would I want to know one baby's sex and not the other's? I don't know about that... then I might know one more than I know the other... I already feel Baby B more than Baby A. Poor little Baby A could be overlooked.
Facebook status of the day: I just want to know my children
Also: 'Life is not fair' is an understatement!
If I only have this time with my babies, do I want to know them more? And, does knowing the sex of the baby even facilitate that? In my terror and grief stricken mind, today, it seems that I would being starting to know them. I could refer to feeling my son or daughter move. I could maybe find itsy-bitsy, tragic hats or receiving blankets for each of them. Perhaps, by knowing their sexes, I could start to create a narrative about each of them. I would be able to prepare for losing my son(s) or daughter(s). I could start picking names - and considering if these would change depending on the outcome. Maybe I have already had enough surprises in this pregnancy...
On the other hand, it is entirely possible that the sex of Baby A will be unclear. When amniotic fluid is not present, the baby is squished and looks like a little vacuum packed baboo. The ultrasound depends on fluid as a means for visualization, so it is difficult to see details. Would I want to know one baby's sex and not the other's? I don't know about that... then I might know one more than I know the other... I already feel Baby B more than Baby A. Poor little Baby A could be overlooked.
Facebook status of the day: I just want to know my children
Also: 'Life is not fair' is an understatement!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
pPROM Symptom Update
Just in the spirit of keeping a record of progress, I thought I would write this.
Today I am 18w5d pregnant. I will have my next doctor's appointment on Thursday, when I am exactly 19 weeks pregnant - 4 weeks post pPROM. I will be seeing a new doctor who I am hoping has more experience in the area, and maybe even willing to be somewhat hopeful, or at the very least supportive of my "ill-informed decision" to continue my pregnancy.
I have noticed for the first time that I am at times retaining fluid for Baby A. Basically, I noticed that I was not leaking for a couple of evenings, whereas normally I lose it all as the baby produces it. Then, after two days, I had a much more significant gush. I noticed that during those two days I felt a lot more of the fluttering type movements in my lower abdomen, which leads me to believe that little Baby A might have had enough space to move around for a moment or two. I do not know if this is attributable to bed rest or the current positioning of baby, but episodes like that are so needed if this baby is ever going to have a chance.
Baby B is a mover and a shaker. I've noticed that this Baby does bigger movements, during which I can really feel hard lumps - maybe a bum or a back pressing against the outer wall of the uterus? The placentas are on the outer wall, so the doctors have previously noted that this would impede sensation of lighter movements.
I am currently taking Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Acidophilus, pre-natal vitamins and drinking as much water as I can. I stay in a sitting or semi-reclined position for most of the day and am starting to incorporate some stretches into my daily routine in hopes of relieving some discomfort.
I think that's it. No infection (yet), no labour symptoms (yet). One more day with my babies is almost over.
Fingers crossed.
Today I am 18w5d pregnant. I will have my next doctor's appointment on Thursday, when I am exactly 19 weeks pregnant - 4 weeks post pPROM. I will be seeing a new doctor who I am hoping has more experience in the area, and maybe even willing to be somewhat hopeful, or at the very least supportive of my "ill-informed decision" to continue my pregnancy.
I have noticed for the first time that I am at times retaining fluid for Baby A. Basically, I noticed that I was not leaking for a couple of evenings, whereas normally I lose it all as the baby produces it. Then, after two days, I had a much more significant gush. I noticed that during those two days I felt a lot more of the fluttering type movements in my lower abdomen, which leads me to believe that little Baby A might have had enough space to move around for a moment or two. I do not know if this is attributable to bed rest or the current positioning of baby, but episodes like that are so needed if this baby is ever going to have a chance.
Baby B is a mover and a shaker. I've noticed that this Baby does bigger movements, during which I can really feel hard lumps - maybe a bum or a back pressing against the outer wall of the uterus? The placentas are on the outer wall, so the doctors have previously noted that this would impede sensation of lighter movements.
I am currently taking Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Acidophilus, pre-natal vitamins and drinking as much water as I can. I stay in a sitting or semi-reclined position for most of the day and am starting to incorporate some stretches into my daily routine in hopes of relieving some discomfort.
I think that's it. No infection (yet), no labour symptoms (yet). One more day with my babies is almost over.
Fingers crossed.
The Ups and Downs
I've noticed that when I leave a doctor's appointment I have very little hope - the medical staff are so negative that I am usually ready to give up completely. The appointments are every other week, so I usually have 10-14 days (I say that like it's been so long... it's only been three weeks and five days!) to recover from the professionals' delightfulness. I spend the first couple of days weeping and thinking about how to plan around the babies' deaths and all sorts of complicated, awful things related thereto. Then, as time goes on, I seem to distance myself from the negativity. I have tried to avoid reading too much pPROM research, focus on my own coping and thinking to stay as healthy as possible, and mostly, to be honest, I have spent my time distracting myself with television, Facebook and visitors. With all that, I start to think that as I keep moving forward, maybe I will be one of the lucky ones.
But, now I am nearing my next appointment: it's on the 12th. I am more aware of every twinge in my body, hyper-vigilante about any little changes. I called the nurse today because I had convinced myself I had an infection (does not appear to be the case). I have re-read studies and reminded myself of my dismal prognosis and find myself dwelling on the assumed loss of two babies. Am I preparing myself for another negative appointment? Am I subconsciously aware of negative changes that are signs of infection? Why am I so down?
The thing about hope is that it seems so dangerous. If I do not have it, then my mind-body connection is negative and that is no good for the little babies. But, if I allow myself to have full hope, then when I lose the babies (which is the most likely outcome - I have 10 weeks to go to have better odds, 6 just for viability) I run the risk of being so shocked that the grief is worse.
Facebook status for the day: Catch 22
But, now I am nearing my next appointment: it's on the 12th. I am more aware of every twinge in my body, hyper-vigilante about any little changes. I called the nurse today because I had convinced myself I had an infection (does not appear to be the case). I have re-read studies and reminded myself of my dismal prognosis and find myself dwelling on the assumed loss of two babies. Am I preparing myself for another negative appointment? Am I subconsciously aware of negative changes that are signs of infection? Why am I so down?
The thing about hope is that it seems so dangerous. If I do not have it, then my mind-body connection is negative and that is no good for the little babies. But, if I allow myself to have full hope, then when I lose the babies (which is the most likely outcome - I have 10 weeks to go to have better odds, 6 just for viability) I run the risk of being so shocked that the grief is worse.
Facebook status for the day: Catch 22
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The Trouble - or My Trouble - with Bed Rest
Bed rest never sounded like that awful of a situation to me. And to be honest, after 3 weeks of it, I think I am coping pretty well with it. That does not mean, however, that I enjoy it. There are three major areas of complaint that I have with regard to bed rest.
1) Discomfort
Essentially, all of the aches and pains that I experience in a healthy pregnancy have been exaggerated. I have pain in my back which leads to me tossing and turning in bed for sometimes hours, trying to find relief without squishing my tragic baby belly. I also have restless legs, but now it start earlier in the day and is accompanied by sharp pain in my shins and ankles. So, on nights like last night, when I finally get my back somewhat comfortable and I start to doze, then my legs get all crazy and painful. Then there's the chronic headaches, due to positioning and likely stress.
To offset all of this, a great friend, has offered me all sorts of bed rest-friendly tools that I am trying to incorporate into some sort of daily use.
2) Time to Think
A largely doomed pregnancy in which I am attempting to channel all of my energy into hope and strength without setting myself up for complete shock and dismay when the outcome is poor is exhausting. One would think that bed rest would be a productive time for little projects, but honestly, I do not have the energy or concentration to do much of value. My time is dedicated to dwelling on pPROM, trying to predict the future, reminding myself to stay positive - but not deluded, and generally trying to get through the day without having a complete nervous breakdown. Distraction thus far, has come in the form of television or social visits from some very dear, supportive friends. This week I am fortunate to have my sister here, an unwavering support. The days are easier with company. And all that thinking I do... I figure that will go into the blog.
3) Parenting Dilemma
This one is the most upsetting for me. Who am I parenting? Who am I not parenting well? My daughter has had to adapt to several changes during the last few weeks: her grandparents and other extended family have become far more involved in her life, she has started a new daycare with little support from me, I no longer get on the floor and play with her, let alone cook, run, swing, dance or anything else. EllaGrace seems to have had to make sacrifices for these babies.
I am not saying that involved extended family is a bad thing, just that I am no longer fulfilling my role as Mum as we had defined it within our little family. Harder still, is that I have seen the impact of this. EllaGrace has started crying more often, giving trouble at meal times and just has not really been herself. She sometimes sits beside me and rubs my belly, talking about the sick babies. When she sees me cry she gives me long, wonderful, warm hugs - which I love, and love that she has become a caring person - but it is not her job.
I hope that all these sacrifices are for the benefit of these babies - that I am being a strong Mum to them, that I am fighting for them before having even met them. And, I hope that in the long run that makes me good Mum. But, sometimes, when I look at how it is affecting EllaGrace, and I consider the odds of having one or two healthy babies - I am not confident. But at the same time, I do not see an alternative. I guess I am doing the best that I can for three babies right now, and it just so happens that my first baby is getting a bit of the short end of the stick. I can only imagine the struggles if we are lucky enough to make it to the NICU.
I love you EllaGrace. And I love you, Babies A and B.
Facebook Status for today: Please don't give up on me, my children
1) Discomfort
Essentially, all of the aches and pains that I experience in a healthy pregnancy have been exaggerated. I have pain in my back which leads to me tossing and turning in bed for sometimes hours, trying to find relief without squishing my tragic baby belly. I also have restless legs, but now it start earlier in the day and is accompanied by sharp pain in my shins and ankles. So, on nights like last night, when I finally get my back somewhat comfortable and I start to doze, then my legs get all crazy and painful. Then there's the chronic headaches, due to positioning and likely stress.
To offset all of this, a great friend, has offered me all sorts of bed rest-friendly tools that I am trying to incorporate into some sort of daily use.
2) Time to Think
A largely doomed pregnancy in which I am attempting to channel all of my energy into hope and strength without setting myself up for complete shock and dismay when the outcome is poor is exhausting. One would think that bed rest would be a productive time for little projects, but honestly, I do not have the energy or concentration to do much of value. My time is dedicated to dwelling on pPROM, trying to predict the future, reminding myself to stay positive - but not deluded, and generally trying to get through the day without having a complete nervous breakdown. Distraction thus far, has come in the form of television or social visits from some very dear, supportive friends. This week I am fortunate to have my sister here, an unwavering support. The days are easier with company. And all that thinking I do... I figure that will go into the blog.
3) Parenting Dilemma
This one is the most upsetting for me. Who am I parenting? Who am I not parenting well? My daughter has had to adapt to several changes during the last few weeks: her grandparents and other extended family have become far more involved in her life, she has started a new daycare with little support from me, I no longer get on the floor and play with her, let alone cook, run, swing, dance or anything else. EllaGrace seems to have had to make sacrifices for these babies.
I am not saying that involved extended family is a bad thing, just that I am no longer fulfilling my role as Mum as we had defined it within our little family. Harder still, is that I have seen the impact of this. EllaGrace has started crying more often, giving trouble at meal times and just has not really been herself. She sometimes sits beside me and rubs my belly, talking about the sick babies. When she sees me cry she gives me long, wonderful, warm hugs - which I love, and love that she has become a caring person - but it is not her job.
I hope that all these sacrifices are for the benefit of these babies - that I am being a strong Mum to them, that I am fighting for them before having even met them. And, I hope that in the long run that makes me good Mum. But, sometimes, when I look at how it is affecting EllaGrace, and I consider the odds of having one or two healthy babies - I am not confident. But at the same time, I do not see an alternative. I guess I am doing the best that I can for three babies right now, and it just so happens that my first baby is getting a bit of the short end of the stick. I can only imagine the struggles if we are lucky enough to make it to the NICU.
I love you EllaGrace. And I love you, Babies A and B.
Facebook Status for today: Please don't give up on me, my children
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Facebook Statuses
I am not one to update my Facebook statuses often. I try not to overshare. But, when it comes to good news and my little family, I make the exception. So, as soon as I found out I was (finally) pregnant, I started imagining my Facebook status:
- Expecting
- Thrilled to announce that we are expecting baby number two.
When I found out that we were having twins, something I had wished for, I revisited the possible updates: Expecting x 2.
That was my favourite, the one I planned on using to share our happy news. I thought it was a bit vague and that it might be fun - would people assume that I was simply expecting a second child, or would they know it meant there were twins on the way? Either way, sharing such exciting news was bound to be fun. We even planned a photo shoot to announce the pregnancy - maybe I would just change my profile picture and let the excitement start that way.
I never got around to announcing the pregnancy on Facebook even though I passed the three month mark. In part, because I had some spotting about which I felt nervous and in part because there were some people that I still wanted to tell in person. Now I am glad I never told my Facebook world.
These days I still imagine posts, but I doubt that I would ever put them up. My story changed, it became bleak. The doctors have all given the pregnancy and my babies "dismal" and "grim" outlooks. My imagined statuses, naturally, have become dark:
- I cry at night while my husband sleeps next to me
- I tell them that I love them but am frightened by how true it is
- I need to predict the future
- Please God, or higher power, or mother nature, let us be among the select lucky ones.
Today's status: A blog for me and my tears.
- Expecting
- Thrilled to announce that we are expecting baby number two.
When I found out that we were having twins, something I had wished for, I revisited the possible updates: Expecting x 2.
That was my favourite, the one I planned on using to share our happy news. I thought it was a bit vague and that it might be fun - would people assume that I was simply expecting a second child, or would they know it meant there were twins on the way? Either way, sharing such exciting news was bound to be fun. We even planned a photo shoot to announce the pregnancy - maybe I would just change my profile picture and let the excitement start that way.
I never got around to announcing the pregnancy on Facebook even though I passed the three month mark. In part, because I had some spotting about which I felt nervous and in part because there were some people that I still wanted to tell in person. Now I am glad I never told my Facebook world.
These days I still imagine posts, but I doubt that I would ever put them up. My story changed, it became bleak. The doctors have all given the pregnancy and my babies "dismal" and "grim" outlooks. My imagined statuses, naturally, have become dark:
- I cry at night while my husband sleeps next to me
- I tell them that I love them but am frightened by how true it is
- I need to predict the future
- Please God, or higher power, or mother nature, let us be among the select lucky ones.
Today's status: A blog for me and my tears.
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