Bed rest never sounded like that awful of a situation to me. And to be honest, after 3 weeks of it, I think I am coping pretty well with it. That does not mean, however, that I enjoy it. There are three major areas of complaint that I have with regard to bed rest.
1) Discomfort
Essentially, all of the aches and pains that I experience in a healthy pregnancy have been exaggerated. I have pain in my back which leads to me tossing and turning in bed for sometimes hours, trying to find relief without squishing my tragic baby belly. I also have restless legs, but now it start earlier in the day and is accompanied by sharp pain in my shins and ankles. So, on nights like last night, when I finally get my back somewhat comfortable and I start to doze, then my legs get all crazy and painful. Then there's the chronic headaches, due to positioning and likely stress.
To offset all of this, a great friend, has offered me all sorts of bed rest-friendly tools that I am trying to incorporate into some sort of daily use.
2) Time to Think
A largely doomed pregnancy in which I am attempting to channel all of my energy into hope and strength without setting myself up for complete shock and dismay when the outcome is poor is exhausting. One would think that bed rest would be a productive time for little projects, but honestly, I do not have the energy or concentration to do much of value. My time is dedicated to dwelling on pPROM, trying to predict the future, reminding myself to stay positive - but not deluded, and generally trying to get through the day without having a complete nervous breakdown. Distraction thus far, has come in the form of television or social visits from some very dear, supportive friends. This week I am fortunate to have my sister here, an unwavering support. The days are easier with company. And all that thinking I do... I figure that will go into the blog.
3) Parenting Dilemma
This one is the most upsetting for me. Who am I parenting? Who am I not parenting well? My daughter has had to adapt to several changes during the last few weeks: her grandparents and other extended family have become far more involved in her life, she has started a new daycare with little support from me, I no longer get on the floor and play with her, let alone cook, run, swing, dance or anything else. EllaGrace seems to have had to make sacrifices for these babies.
I am not saying that involved extended family is a bad thing, just that I am no longer fulfilling my role as Mum as we had defined it within our little family. Harder still, is that I have seen the impact of this. EllaGrace has started crying more often, giving trouble at meal times and just has not really been herself. She sometimes sits beside me and rubs my belly, talking about the sick babies. When she sees me cry she gives me long, wonderful, warm hugs - which I love, and love that she has become a caring person - but it is not her job.
I hope that all these sacrifices are for the benefit of these babies - that I am being a strong Mum to them, that I am fighting for them before having even met them. And, I hope that in the long run that makes me good Mum. But, sometimes, when I look at how it is affecting EllaGrace, and I consider the odds of having one or two healthy babies - I am not confident. But at the same time, I do not see an alternative. I guess I am doing the best that I can for three babies right now, and it just so happens that my first baby is getting a bit of the short end of the stick. I can only imagine the struggles if we are lucky enough to make it to the NICU.
I love you EllaGrace. And I love you, Babies A and B.
Facebook Status for today: Please don't give up on me, my children
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