I've noticed that when I leave a doctor's appointment I have very little hope - the medical staff are so negative that I am usually ready to give up completely. The appointments are every other week, so I usually have 10-14 days (I say that like it's been so long... it's only been three weeks and five days!) to recover from the professionals' delightfulness. I spend the first couple of days weeping and thinking about how to plan around the babies' deaths and all sorts of complicated, awful things related thereto. Then, as time goes on, I seem to distance myself from the negativity. I have tried to avoid reading too much pPROM research, focus on my own coping and thinking to stay as healthy as possible, and mostly, to be honest, I have spent my time distracting myself with television, Facebook and visitors. With all that, I start to think that as I keep moving forward, maybe I will be one of the lucky ones.
But, now I am nearing my next appointment: it's on the 12th. I am more aware of every twinge in my body, hyper-vigilante about any little changes. I called the nurse today because I had convinced myself I had an infection (does not appear to be the case). I have re-read studies and reminded myself of my dismal prognosis and find myself dwelling on the assumed loss of two babies. Am I preparing myself for another negative appointment? Am I subconsciously aware of negative changes that are signs of infection? Why am I so down?
The thing about hope is that it seems so dangerous. If I do not have it, then my mind-body connection is negative and that is no good for the little babies. But, if I allow myself to have full hope, then when I lose the babies (which is the most likely outcome - I have 10 weeks to go to have better odds, 6 just for viability) I run the risk of being so shocked that the grief is worse.
Facebook status for the day: Catch 22
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