Scary Moments and Magical Thinking

I am not sure that I have any regular followers, but some may have noticed that I did not post yesterday - or on the weekend for that matter. I tend not to post on weekends simply because EllaGrace is home and there is generally more comings and goings. But yesterday I did not post anything because I was scared. On top of which, Lee left for a work trip to Toronto yesterday afternoon, a separation that I have been quite anxious about in general. 

The thing about Lee leaving is that half of my brain really believes that this could jinx us. If something is going to go wrong it is bound to happen while he is away. Then I will say "I knew something was going to happen... you never should have gone." The other half of my brain that functions more on the basis of logic is aware that this is not exactly how things work. But it is scary nevertheless. He would be four hours away: he could miss the birth, I might have to make big decisions without him, he could miss his only chance to meet these babies. Jinx-y!!! So, my fingers are extra crossed that I will be okay (more so than usual? Maybe..  but not sure that I can hope more than I already do)

Funnily enough though, the night before he was scheduled to leave (Sunday night) as I was getting ready for bed I started having this dull pain in my lower abdomen. I tried sitting and lying down but it would not let up. We figured it was a baby and Lee decided to try to sleep while I tossed and turned, searching for a comfortable position. An hour later I had not found any relief and my mind had run the gamut of possible complications: labour, infection, something I've never heard of... the usual. I woke Lee around 12h30 and said I wanted to call the midwives for their opinion, mentally preparing myself for a trip to Ottawa. The midwife said it did not sound like infection, since I had a specific moment wherein I began to feel the discomfort and that since there had not been any ups and downs it was inconsistent with labour. She suggested that a baby may have lodged itself somewhere strange, that I should go to the hospital if anything changed and that she would have her co-worker, K, come by in the morning. 

With a little bit of relief, but still filled with doubt, I revisited our discussion. If the baby is 'lodged' in an uncomfortable, low-lying area of my abdomen, then it may need gravity to help it out. Taking a page from my dear friend Christie's pregnancy solutions, I decided to try to get myself in an upside-down position. I had three pillows under my bottom and my feet up on our headboard: immediate relief! I took a Tylenol just before this and stayed up like that for about 20 minutes before shimmying myself back into a normal sleeping position. Needless to say it was a long night; I didn't get any sleep before 02h00. I was able to sleep on my back after that, but if I turned on my side the pain would occur on that side, but more fiercely. 

The following morning I was able to take my normal short shower and make it to my couch/station in the family room before the discomfort returned. I was propped up and whiny until K came by to check on me. She stayed for about 45 minutes discussing the pain and monitoring how it evolved while she was there. She talked about all sorts of delightful things relating to the pregnancy (ie. If they babies live for a few hours, do I allow EllaGrace to meet them?). She indicated that she believed the experience to be round ligament pain. I have had round ligament pain before, but it was more textbook, whereas this was more debilitating. Awful! She did hear both babies' healthy heartbeats and they were both moving. Later in the day I was fine when immobile but the pain was near excruciating if I tried to walk to the bathroom. I was packed with heating pads and consoled with back rubs until Lee left for Toronto and EllaGrace came home from daycare.

I know that my in-laws were fairly worried - my mother-in-law wished we would have also called the hospital (which we didn't for fear of too many opinions) and decided to take EllaGrace for the night and ensure that she and her spouse both had car seats ready so that they could get me to the Ottawa hospital and care for EllaGrace without trouble. And, to be fair, I did have a big emotional breakdown about the pain and my fear of Lee being away when my mother-in-law was here, so.... But, I wanted Lee to go to Toronto because we finally chose a couple of little things for the babies at Pottery Barn Kids that he could pick up. So, I told him to go shopping and hurry back - which he agreed was his priority! (Don't tell his boss). 

Anyways, I felt much better by bed time and have had very little discomfort today. Anything that I have felt has been when I was using abdominal muscles which is congruent with K's diagnosis. So, for now, I will stay on my couch with my fingers crossed and my head down. 

Facebook status of the day: Magical thinking is taking over me... logical me, where have you gone?