When we found out I was pregnant we were thrilled (obviously), but even after we saw those heartbeats and knew we had a 95% chance of a successful pregnancy, I was cautious. My midwife reflected to me just yesterday that I had been nervous of the outcome of this pregnancy since the beginning and my response was "it was too good to be true". Despite things progressing fairly normally, with lots of ultrasound evidence that things were fine, I was nervous. As a result, I had not purchased anything for the babies. We looked at one van, but I had told Lee that we could not buy a van before mid-November - thinking about viability.
In part, I guess I was right. I am actually kind of thankful that I do not have a completed nursery to look at. I do have the room that was intended for a nursery, with bare plaster walls and a crib that my daughter no longer needs. I try not to look in it though; I might not have purchased anything for the babies, but I knew exactly how I wanted to decorate the space and how I would fit two little people into one little nursery. I am thankful that I do not have a little row of gender-neutral, kind of matching outfits hanging in the nursery-to-be closet to look at as I weep.
On the other hand, if I am only to know these babies for a few short hours outside of my womb, then they should have something, right? A name and something to keep them warm and comforted - something so they have evidence that I loved them despite barely knowing them. I have been thinking for a while that I would like to buy something, a hat or a sleeper, for each baby. So, last night I began online shopping for micro-preemie clothing (because, in all likelihood, they will be micro-preemies - which means under 3lbs, I think). I encountered two problems.
The first problem relates to sex. My closest friends know that this is an internal battle for me. I am very cautious and dubious about gendered parenting - which for me includes clothing, toys, decorations and activities I encourage in my child(ren). At the same time though, I enjoy having my daughter dressed in sweet, age appropriate, gendered clothing. (Basically, I am such a hypocrite!) Back to my babies-to-be: I do not actually know the sex of either of them. But, if I am going to dress them only once... I want it to be something that I would be happy to dress a son/daughter in. I don't want to buy two blue onesies and then have one or two girls. Silly? I guess so. But, for me it some how goes back to giving these little people identities. I do not want them to have the same article of clothing just because they're twins and I do want the article of clothing to be congruent with what I perceive/assume his/her gender will be based upon his/her sex. Ugh.. so stuck inside my own head - a battle between my academic side and my desperate mother side. Practically speaking, what this means is that each time I added something to the online shopping cart, I would feel inclined to pick four items so that all the variations of babies would be covered (two boys, two girls, one of each).
The second problem I came across had to do with hope versus doom thinking. I want to buy each baby a hat... not a big problem. But, then I was looking at clothing. There are special NICU outfits that are designed to accommodate all the wires and tubes on a baby. I found a couple of gender neutral, but fun ones, and added them to my shopping cart. But, then I tried to picture these little articles of clothing - which are essentially altered undershirts - on a dead baby. It does not work. If the baby is dying/dead, I want to dress him/her in cozy clothing to keep them warm and safe. I want them to be bundled and cuddly. So then, what I really need is four alive baby outfits and four lost baby outfits - so I can be a prepared mother, trying to protect her babes under all circumstances. Sadly.. . buying 8 preemie outfits would also probably make me a financially broke mother. So I bought nothing. I still have nothing for my sweet babies...
Facebook Status: Unprepared in so many senses... but full of love nonetheless, rest assured Little Peas
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