A morbid post, but I'm "keepin' it real". Truth be told, I have no idea what I will want or how I will react to losing my babies (if). But these are some of the things that have gone through my mind - thoughts I never thought I would have, thoughts I hate to have, that bring me back to the brutal reality of pPROM and the incredible fear I have.
~ Seeing Them ~
This is not a decision for some people but I pPROMed at 15 weeks, so it was for me. Originally my partner and I both considered distance as a coping mechanism. To be early in my second trimester, we would not know the sex, we would not need to see the fetuses after a miscarriage and we could try our best to move on from that. While he has maintained his distance techniques, I have not.
The closer I get to 20 weeks the more I rethink things. I decided that if the babies looked like babies and certainly if they were alive at birth, that I would hold them. Even typing that - to hold my tiny, premature children and have them die in my arms - how on Earth will I survive that? It is such an awful reality. On the other hand, I certainly could not turn my back on them in their only moments of life or abandon them in death. So, if they are there, so am I.
Kind of strangely, there seemed to be a grey zone, which I am slowly getting past. In this zone - 17/18 maybe 19 weeks - I was unsure if I wanted to see them. They might look like babies, but I do not know if they would have any life. I used to have so many thoughts on this zone, but as I am slowly creeping past it, it seems less relevant.
~ Naming Them ~
Again, something I have never put much thought into, but the names we had shortlisted were for the babies who we imagined live and well and in our home. A name I would use to call a daughter for dinner, or my son's name while we played peek-a-boo. Do I want to use those same names for doomed babies? Some of the names are to honour family and friends - do you name a dead baby after a living relative? Or, should we come up with names that signify the short journey that they had? A name I don't have to hear often, so maybe my heart aches less frequently?
~ Afterwards ~
Depending on the age of gestation, the babies can be disposed of as bio-hazardous waste. I don't think that I can do that, so I suppose I will have them cremated. I will soon begin the planning process of identifying funeral homes that can collect their small bodies to have them cremated. But what to do with them after that? Do you have a funeral or a celebration of life, for two little lives that were never lived? Do you have a small ceremony alone? Do you involve others? Who is grieving? Some friends have told me to do whatever I need, but I will always think of others, as I have had so much family and friends' support who have shared in our tears. (And at that, if the babies have 1 or 2 hours of life, do I want to share those moments with others who love them?)
I have so many ideas of what might be possible - a marker for the babies in the family plot, but it is too far away; placing the ashes with my father's, but the ocean is too big for small babies... I guess I will just make the decisions in grief.
Facebook status of the day: Sometimes I cry so hard, I can hear and feel nothing else
A Quote: If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
For me, it was never a choice if I was going to see Aidan or not. Minutes after I delivered and it had been decided that he was not going to survive (since he was 23+ weeks he was kind of in that 'grey zone' of viability), they asked if I wanted to hold him and I immediately said yes. They handed him to me and I could not believe how GOOD he looked. I had been so afraid he was going to be all squished and scary looking due to pPROM but other than club feet he was completely normal on the outside. He was small of course, but he was so OBVIOUSLY ours. He looked just like my husband. He was perfect...just too small to survive. He had a heartbeat for about an hour, and then he was gone. I will caution you that after he died and we gave him to the nurse to clean him up and weigh him and such, that after they returned him to us, he didn't look the same. While he was with us, our bodies were keeping him warm, but in the process of cleaning him up, he cooled and started to look dead. We still kept him with us overnight while I was in the hospital, but I will tell you that if you want to get any good pictures (and I DO recommend taking photos, even if you don't plan to look at them right away), take them as soon after delivery as possible. The picture I have on my blog looks like Aidan...the pictures we took hours later, don't look nearly as good. So make sure you have a camera in the car that you will take to the hospital.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you deliver after 20 weeks, you are eligible to have photos taken by a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep which are volunteer photographers that will come and take pro photos. It's not guaranteed because these photographers donate their time, but they do try very hard to help people in your (potential) situation. If you want to be pro active (and I'm all about the proactive approach), you could call the social worker at the hospital you plan to deliver at to inquire about NILMDTS photos ahead of time, just so they know it's something you might be interested in.
As for the naming, I struggled with this after Aidan died. We had always planned to name our first boy Aidan...and then when we knew he was likely not going to survive I had talked about naming him something else. I felt we hadn't made a decision but then all of a sudden he was born and in the delivery room they asked his name and my husband responded "Aidan"...and so it was. In retrospect I'm so glad we gave him our favourite boy name. He got cheated out of so much due to pPROM...everything really...except his name. It's looking more and more like we'll never have another child, so even if he's not here, I'm so glad I have my Aidan.
Still...hoping this is all irrelevant for you.