The Failure of Language

I consider myself to be somewhat academic. Through my undergraduate and graduate degrees I enjoyed examining language: sexist, misogynistic, violent, ambiguous, labelling, accurate... 

For example, given that my profession is in social work, I discourage the use of the "I feel" as a colloquial, and slightly passive way of describing a desire or preference. "I feel like a hamburger." or "I feel like you do not like x". These are not emotions, they are opinions. I was guilty of this for a long time, but now tend to use "I would like" or "it seems to me" in place of "I feel like". I digress... 

My slight over-analysis/totally reasonable fixation on language has added to some of my difficulty with pPROM and blogging. I want these children. Saying that does not do justice to the truth and sentiment therein. I pray to have these children. I beg the universe for these children. I hope, I wish,... none of these words sufficiently describes the desperation, love and fear that I feel when I think about the end of this journey. 

Every night I lie in my bed beside Lee while he sleeps and place my hands on my belly. I can feel kicks and movements within and outside. I channel every bit of love I have to them. I take deep breaths and visualize them going to my womb and each child. I think about how much I want these little Peas in a Pod to become my babies, children... I want to nurse them, play with them, see them learn to speak, go to school, have friends... Lee and I have a life and a lifestyle we hope to share with our children. We want to take them on trips, laugh, have morning snuggles, decorate Christmas trees, rake leaves... everyday stuff and out-of-the-ordinary stuff. 

And to be extra clear, I want happy, healthy children - because, who doesn't? I want my children to have quality of life. I want the world to literally be their oyster. 

Losing a child, when it has become a child (at this point they are likely to live for an hour or more before dying) but before it is strong enough to survive as a little person for long, I am not only losing a family member, I am losing everything I planned and hoped for that individual, us and our family. I will grieve the way our family used to be. I am losing any 'getting to know them' - I will never know about their sounds, facial expressions, preferences that can be seen so early in life. I will never know their personalities. 

So, saying "I want these babies" or "I want them soooooo much" or anything else simply does not, cannot, come close to accurately depicting the strength of that desire and love. This whole blog does not articulate what I feel deep within my core: that thing that has given me the where with all to continue this fight in the face of awful odds. I am so terrified of losing these children - one or both - but I already love them too much to not give every inch of my body and self to trying to bring them into this world. 

Facebook status: Never has language failed me so hugely and never will I take for granted my children